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The President's Secrets

The questions I'm dying to ask.

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I'm not always up on politics. Okay. . .I'm a disaster. Still, I do have certain curiosities, and imagine you do, too. With regard to the presidency, here are some things I'd like to know:

1. If, as the President, you spill chocolate milk on Mrs. Lincoln's hand-sewn bedspread, are you in trouble? Either way, who decides?

2. As the President, can you admit that you like Beevis and Butthead? To anyone? Ever?

3. Is there a special, time-honored, presidential alarm clock, or does the President set his cell phone alarm? Or does he get a wake-up call? If he gets a wake-up call, is the voice terse and serious ("It's time, Mr. President.") or chipper ("Rise and shine, sleepy-head!") or velvety-smooth ("Your breakfast awaits, Mr. President.") And, if the President requests to be roused by a mellifluous, French accent, a gruff Irish brogue or bovine noises, is he obliged?

4. In the wake of an assassination attempt, does the President ever feel flattered by the attention?

5. How many of the President's decisions are made during sexual negotiations with the First Lady?

6. Is the President allowed to go on Facebook? Can he send unlimited friend requests? If somebody declines his friendship -- or, worse, unfriends him -- does the Secret Service target them for retribution?

7. Does the President ever wake up screaming from a nightmare that he's fallen into Polk-like obscurity?

8. Does the President apply his own suntan lotion?

9. You're the President, addressing the nation. You feel an air pocket descending in your belly, threatening to storm your sphincter. What are your options? Do you take some kind of action, or just clench hard and hope for the best?

10. As the President, can you finally talk back to your mother?

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