"I hate to drop this in so early, but B A S I C."
"Express is for women who wear very serious businesswear for a somewhat unserious job."
"Express is a place you shop when you are post-breakup and 'getting back out there.'"
"Their editor pants were for people who would never be editors."
"I totally had a pair of editor pants."
"You have shoplifted."
"You are shoplifting right now."
"You have an old-school Caboodle."
"You have 10 ear piercings. On each ear."
"You write your letters with a purple pen with a feather poof on top."
"You loved milk pens."
"You use a lot of evening cream."
"You calls pants 'a pant.'"
"You enjoy a good cowl neck."
"The highest compliment to you is 'tasteful.'"
"You have a 'back massager.'"
"You are not honest about your sexual needs."
"You earnestly love life hacks."
"You've bought something electronic from a vending machine at the airport."
"You have a Droid."
"You've bought something special from Skymall."
"You're definitely mysterious."
"Your favorite drinks are daiquiris."
"You probably want to go to Mexico real bad."
"You date a guy with a beeper."
"You are a guy with a beeper."
"You're a beeper."
"You're a teenage boy."
"I hear 'Game Stop' and I may as well just hear 'fap fap.'"
"I would say YOUR DAD, but then, three times a year, this is me because I lose a cord or something."
"And beepers. Beeper guy is here."
"You are the human equivalent of those things that keep your sunglasses securely around your neck."
"You're a guy who has a cell phone holster."
"You're a 30-year-old guy who puts together remote control helicopters for fun."
"That's literally my dad."
"Fiscal conservatives, social liberals."
"You are definitely wearing a Red Linux cap you got for free from work."
"You are 2005 Shaquille O'Neal."
"You're a disgruntled teen."
"Nobody understands you."
"You are Tumblr famous."
"You dated people you met in chat rooms."
"You were once ~kind of~ internet kidnapped."
"Linear relationship between amount of eyeliner worn and amount of Evanescence listened to."
Dick's Sporting Goods
"Solid. Upstanding. Mad boring."
"Basic, but decent."
"You have a 100% success rate at being able to shop at a place that is basically a penis joke."
"You're a future yoga enthusiast."
"You actually enjoyed working retail."
"You care about women and the environment, but not so much that you're actually going to make your own beauty products."
"You've been using Mason jars since before Pinterest."
"You talk about 'me time' a lot."
"You love a good chai tea, especially if it's Oprah-approved."
Bath & Body Works
"You make a lot of gift baskets."
"You have products in your bathroom that are 'just for show.'"
"You take things out of bottles to put in prettier bottles that match."
"You definitely have a 'signature scent' except it's the signature scent of literally millions of your fellow American human women."
"You like Colbie Caillat."
"You ARE Colbie Caillat."
"You make it your business to regularly view The Notebook."
"And when Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendez got pregnant, you PUT RYAN GOSLING ON BLAST."
"People stopped inviting you to birthday parties because you only gave people lotion."
"You are playing the Kardashian video game right this minute."
"You are the mistress of an upper-middle-class man.
"All your dresses are bandage."
"You tried vajazzzling."
"You sleep in your makeup."
"You have ruched pants."
"You want a guy with a nice ride."
New York & Company.
"Oh, this store is just Express after the apocalypse."
"You don't actually have as much sex as you have lingerie."
"You've gleaned your idea of sexy from your boyfriend's porn collection."
"You're into scrunchies."
"Your room has thick carpet."
"You love vanilla-scented things."
"You make terrible life decisions and then you're like, 'Well, at least I'm OWNING IT.'"
"You spent a lot of time watching and thinking about Dawson's Creek."
"You still listen to your mom's life advice.
"I feel like The Limited is like the Express girl after she's had the party knocked out of her."
"She's a little more sour. A little less willing to take a risk on an unknown statement necklace."
"She's stopped putting her student loans in forbearance and good for her."
"Little shirt, big pants."
"You want blow-up furniture."
"And socks that have little pizzas on them."
"You teach yourself the dances from music videos."
"You are still proportioned like a child."
"You're trying to replicate what it might be like to live inside the internet."
"You're sad you weren't a teen in the '90s.
"You WERE a teen in the '90s."
"You love a good cheese log."
"You just like a cheese ball, IDK."
"You love dips."
"Everything is a vehicle for dips to you."
"You like fake farm houses a lot."
"You probs had an OC marathon w/ your BFFs last night."
"You're still having it."
"You're JUST getting into normcore."
"You are terrified of picking out your outfit every morning."
"You still want to just dress like your mom."
"You'd honestly rather spend your weekends babysitting."
"You're a suspiciously tan 16-year-old."
"I always look at a Hollister and am afraid the same way I used to be afraid of the haunted house at the carnival."
"You refer to your friends as your bros. And you girlfriend as 'my girl.'"
"If they made graphic tees with collars you could pop, you would buy one."
"One Tree Hill is like soooooooooo the story of your life."
"You're a teen boy just discovering his sexuality."
"You spend a lot of time googling free porn."
"You own a T-shirt with the word 'Compton' on it but have no idea where that's geographically located or the sociopolitical history of it."
"Your life goal is to look like Jennifer Love Hewitt in Can't Hardly Wait."
"You wear Vans to middle school gym class bcz ur 2 cool."
"Your boyfriend drinks white wine."
"And will definitely kiss another dude in his lifetime."
"You wear white mid-calf socks with Sperrys and salmon-colored shorts."
"But only eats lobster."
"Life inspiration: Blaine in Pretty in Pink.."
"You love roadtrips."
"Most Friendly Award."
"You are Dawn from The Babysitters Club."
"The ratio of novelty tees to regular tees in your closet is off the charts."
"You're working on the pilot for a dramedy."
"But you're writing it in your LiveJournal."
"All your furniture is inflatable."
"You've tried to dismantle a lava lamp before."
"You are either 13 or 31 trying to look 13."
"You live in the moment — that moment being the one right before your polyurethane dress falls apart."
"You wear a ponytail, but the kind where you loop the hair out and just kinda leave it so it's like a little teardrop."
"You don't mind shopping in a place that is disturbing to ALL OF YOUR SENSES AT ONCE."
"You're spiritual but not religious."
"You have caked on makeup that gets on everything you try on outside of the fitting rooms because you're too impatient to wait on the line."
"You were never popular but you were never NOT popular."
"Like the popular kids let you sit at their table, but you wouldn't necessarily get invited to ride in their cars."
"You had boat shoes."
"You are boat shoes."
"When people ask you what your favorite music is, you're like, 'I dunno, whatever's on the radio.'"
"You are Bea Arthur."
"You DGAF and you LOVE IT."
"You love prepping for kaftan season."
"You are everyone's favorite grandma."
"You own jean vests in perfect middle denim."
"You have a center part."
"You like fake camping."
"You are a weekend warrior."
"You think that chinos solve any outfit crisis."
"You have a lot of carabiners and coozies."
"A golf shirt = 'dressed up.'"
"You have one of those stickers on your Suburban with all of your family on it, like little stick figures."
"You think Hawaiian shirts are so zany!"
Yankee Candle Company
"You enjoy controlled chaos."
"You like being creative in a safe space."
"You have a lot of cat hair on you at all times."
"You're a teacher."