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Uh, Spiders Could Eat All Of Us In A Year, Just In Case You Were Wondering

Itsy-bitsy spider, GTFO.

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Gather round, gather round, let's talk about SPIDERS.

giphy.com

Admit it, you're feeling creepy-crawly right now.

You might kinda hate 'em but not really know why.

Which is why they are sometimes depicted with charming accoutrements like old-timey top hats.
Larryrains / Getty Images

Which is why they are sometimes depicted with charming accoutrements like old-timey top hats.

WELP. It turns out they are creepier than you could even imagine. THEY COULD EAT EVERY HUMAN ON THE PLANET.

It turns out some scientists — as depicted by this stock photo "mad scientist" — figured out that spiders kill and eat between "400 and 800 tons of prey every year."

That's a lot of prey! In fact, scientists Martin Nyffeler and Klaus Birkhofer found that spiders eat as much or more meat than humans.
Bluberries / Getty Images

That's a lot of prey! In fact, scientists Martin Nyffeler and Klaus Birkhofer found that spiders eat as much or more meat than humans.

But hey, let's put this spider feeding frenzy in more disturbing terms. Humans, a Washington Post article noted, make up around 350 million tons of biomass. Which means that spiders could eat ALL OF THE HUMANS and still be super hungry.

Here's a stock model expressing existential dread about her dead corpse being eaten by a bunch of dang spiders.
Laflor / Getty Images

Here's a stock model expressing existential dread about her dead corpse being eaten by a bunch of dang spiders.

Want another visual? Here's all of your friends casually giving the thumbs-up.

Luckybusiness / Getty Images

AND HERE IS A RAVENOUS SPIDER LOOKING AT YOU GUYS LIKE A GODDAMN MIDNIGHT SNACK.

OK, OK, you'd have to be dead. Like they couldn't eat you alive. But still.
Elthar2007 / Getty Images

OK, OK, you'd have to be dead. Like they couldn't eat you alive. But still.

How serious is the spider threat? Jury's still out. There's a Change.org petition directed at Sen. Al Franken asking that he "Give Spiders All The Help They Need To Eat Every Human On Earth Within One Year."

So far, 786 people have signed it. You monsters.
change.org

So far, 786 people have signed it. You monsters.

So yeah, SWEET DREAMS AND SORRY YOU CLICKED ON THIS POST!

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