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    Please Enjoy This Ridiculous Chris Pratt "Jurassic World" Conspiracy Theory

    I'll see myself out.

    Oh hi, have you heard of this movie Jurassic World yet?

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    It stars Chris Pratt as the hero/protagonist/badass motherfucker Owen.

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    I mean, technically he plays a "behavioral researcher" but really he plays Hot Guy With Abs Who Saves the World From Dinosaurs.

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    But! Let's not forget where he came from: Parks and Rec.

    Universal Pictures / NBC

    Hello Andy Dwyer.

    NBC

    And what was Andy's job at Pawnee City Hall? Shining shoes.

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    I mean, at least at first.

    So! There's this book by Herman Wouk called The Caine Mutiny about, among other things, a mutiny.

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    Also, it later became a movie starring Humphrey Bogart. Maybe you were forced to read it in your high school English class?

    In it, one of the main characters, Keefer, has a soliloquy about the dynamics of power and position in the world.

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    BEAR WITH ME HERE.

    He says:

    "Suppose all of a sudden the whole survival of America hung on shining shoes. Never mind how. Suppose it did. What would happen? All of us would become shoeshiners, and the professional bootblacks would take over the country. Well, how do you think the bootblacks would feel toward us? Humble? Hell, no. They'd figure that at last they'd come into their own โ€” that for the first time in their lives the world was showing a proper respect for shoeshining. And by God, they'd lord it over us, and find fault, and nag, and crab, and bully us to shine shoes their way. And they'd be right. That's the story, Steve. We're in the hands of the shoeshine boys."

    Again, what does Chris Pratt do in Parks and Rec? He shines shoes.

    What does Chris Pratt do in the Jurassic World? He SAVES THE WORLD.

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    Shoeshine boy Andy Dwyer is now responsible for the survival of the world! As foretold in The Caine Mutiny!!!!1!!11!

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    ~FIN~

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