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Literally Just 18 Of The Funniest Tweets By Women This Week

"I'm sorry I was late, I was busy scrolling through my own Instagram and feeling defeated by the passage of time."

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1.

didn't sleep last night because I realized taylor swift was fucking lying about shaking it off

2.

How To Tell If The Person You're Dating Is Really A Floating Island Of Fire Ants

3.

i'm sorry i was late i was busy scrolling tru my own instagram & feeling defeated by the passage of time

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4.

I like the Fall air like I like my motherfucking bacon: crisp

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7.

he protec he attac but most importantly he the snac that smile bac

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8.

I have p low self esteem for someone who always googles celebs to see if they're single after I wake up from a sex dream about them

9.

I think I just made up a new word: "icliterate." For men who don't know where the clit is. Has this been done? May I be a millionaire now?

10.

everyone knows 666 is the number of the beast but very few know 74 is the sleep number of the beast

11.

It's Mary Shelley's birthday? To celebrate, invent a new genre of fiction at a house party to avoid the attentions of a dude who's trash.

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12.

Shoutout to queer middle schoolers getting ready 4 back to school Think of this time as "building a standup act."

14.

twitter: your childhood trauma, but make it funny

15.

If you want to hear about a female Lord of the Flies let me tell you about my experiences in all-girls' show choir

16.

Can't believe I forgot to make this game of thrones joke sunday but HELL YEAH WINTERS HERE DANY'S DEALING WITH 8 INCHES OF SNOW

17.

Game of Thrones budget: - Extras, special effects, actors, sets = 7 million. -Cersei's wig = 1 dollar.

18.

"You are descended from mighty wolves, Fielder. A regal hunter. A nearly perfect predator." Fielder: