1.
congratulations to the person who found the most threatening way to phrase this appeal
2.
I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend "are you ready to fucking rage" as they walked into target together and that's what I want
3.
adventures in online dating with yours truly
4.
idiots: midnight snack me: the meal in between dinner and breakfast called dark lunch
5.
6.
*Clears throat as if to announce something extremely important* "Jurassic Park" but the dinosaurs are from the ‘90s… https://t.co/au5fXRD9YE
7.
I see that tonight I'll be playing another rousing round of 'do I know my waiter from another restaurant or Bumble?'
8.
9.
u: what is yr love language me, a virgo: describing my fav sandwich as if it were a tv show, asking u what time it was when u first saw me
10.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
11.
hollywood is out of ideas. it's just superheroes!! "baby driver" - what?? a baby gettin hit by a radioactive car?? no i will not "google" it
12.
My mentions
13.
I graduated from U Mad with a degree in Haterology.
14.
my mom thought a trap house was another name for Escape the Room
15.
Using "adult" as a verb grants you automatic access to Hell
16.
When someone texts me "wya?" and I'm trying to decide if I'm at home or not.
17.
Damn boy are you the president because acting like you act would have gotten you fired from almost any other job
18.
Every time someone says the president is a child or a toddler all I can think of is I've never met a child who's this much of a dick.