If they LOVED TWITTER.If they LOVED TWITTER and spent more time on Twitter than with you.If they wrote incomprehensible tweets on Twitter all the time.If they woke up early — like at 5am — just to tweet....like just to tweet out things like "Covfefe."...and "WashingtonPostAmazon."If they ate steak with ketchup.And their "diet" consisted of drinking Diet Coke with their "taco bowl."If they spent all of their weekends, every weekend, golfing.If they started a subscription box of fan merchandise for themselves.If they didn't believe in climate change.And, like, refused to sign the Paris accord.If they believed that exercise was a bad idea because it "depleted the body of energy."If they walked around the house in a robe and then claimed they didn't own a robe.If they wouldn't shut up about building a goddamn wall next door but then somehow thought the next-door neighbor would pay for it.If they filed for bankruptcy and borrowed money from their dad but STILL claimed to be self-made.If they thought Aleppo was in Iran.If they weren't sure why the Civil War happened.If they thought Martin Luther King Jr. was still alive.And also thought Frederick Douglass was still alive.If they blabbed all your secrets to your enemies.If they talked about whether or not they'd date their own damn daughter.If they kept asking to see your birth certificate.If one of their best friends was Alex Jones.And one of their OTHER best friends was Steve Bannon.Oh, and they've got one black friend — Ben Carson.If they hated "fake news" but also thought it was totally acceptable to decorate with fake magazine covers of themselves.If they taped the back of their ties together with Scotch tape.If they thought it was totally OK to comment endlessly on the appearance of women.And then also "grab them by the pussy" whenever they felt like it.If they'd been accused of multiple sexual assaults.And been embroiled in multiple lawsuits.If they were afraid of stairs.If they assumed all black people lived in "inner cities."If they basically had no regard for anybody.