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Check If they LOVED TWITTER.Check If they LOVED TWITTER and spent more time on Twitter than with you.Check If they wrote incomprehensible tweets on Twitter all the time.Check If they woke up early — like at 5am — just to tweet.Check ...like just to tweet out things like "Covfefe."Check ...and "WashingtonPostAmazon."Check If they ate steak with ketchup.Check And their "diet" consisted of drinking Diet Coke with their "taco bowl."Check If they spent all of their weekends, every weekend, golfing.Check If they started a subscription box of fan merchandise for themselves.Check If they didn't believe in climate change.Check And, like, refused to sign the Paris accord.Check If they believed that exercise was a bad idea because it "depleted the body of energy."Check If they walked around the house in a robe and then claimed they didn't own a robe.Check If they wouldn't shut up about building a goddamn wall next door but then somehow thought the next-door neighbor would pay for it.Check If they filed for bankruptcy and borrowed money from their dad but STILL claimed to be self-made.Check If they thought Aleppo was in Iran.Check If they weren't sure why the Civil War happened.Check If they thought Martin Luther King Jr. was still alive.Check And also thought Frederick Douglass was still alive.Check If they blabbed all your secrets to your enemies.Check If they talked about whether or not they'd date their own damn daughter.Check If they kept asking to see your birth certificate.Check If one of their best friends was Alex Jones.Check And one of their OTHER best friends was Steve Bannon.Check Oh, and they've got one black friend — Ben Carson.Check If they hated "fake news" but also thought it was totally acceptable to decorate with fake magazine covers of themselves.Check If they taped the back of their ties together with Scotch tape.Check If they thought it was totally OK to comment endlessly on the appearance of women.Check And then also "grab them by the pussy" whenever they felt like it.Check If they'd been accused of multiple sexual assaults.Check And been embroiled in multiple lawsuits.Check If they were afraid of stairs.Check If they assumed all black people lived in "inner cities."Check If they basically had no regard for anybody.