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    16 Things Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks You Should Buy For Christmas

    Feel the Goop, be the Goop.

    It's the holiday season, and Gwyneth Paltrow has #consciouslyuncoupled from reality to create yet another deliciously crazy GOOP shopping guide.

    Would you like to see what she's come up with?

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    OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

    1. This earthquake prep bag, $345

    This bag contains: "luxury comforts, tech gear, and first-aid essentials— you will find amazing products from Malin+Goetz, Pro Bar Organic Rations, TCHO Chocolate, Kusmi Tea, and Marvis just to name a few! There is even a solar powered USB phone charger!" Okay.

    2. Saint Laurent Emmanuelle Bucket Bag, $1,350

    Gwyneth sez: "The prettiest cobalt blue, in the crispest shape."

    3. How about this SUPER ANGEL JUICER, $4,739.

    superangeljuicers.com / Via goop.com

    What. Gwyneth sez: "Absurd but awesome."

    4. Anita Ko Single Safety Pin Earring, $1,995

    One earring for $2,000. Gwyneth sez: "The single earring works perfectly with a single stud in the opposite ear."

    5. Balenciaga Leather Jacket, $2,745

    matchesfashion.com / Via goop.com

    More than most rents. Gwyneth sez: "Quite simply, the only leather jacket you'll ever need."

    6. Vicente Sahuc Bandanas, Hermès, $195-$850

    These are literally made for sweating. Gwyneth sez: "Achingly cool."

    7. Valentino Punkcouture Cage Flats, $995

    Punk rock ballet shoes. Gwyneth sez: "A fresh spin on a now-classic design."

    8. Cartier Juste un Clou Bracelet, $7,600

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    A nail! But bent! Gwyneth sez: "The fanciest nail around."

    9. Esque Diamond Thickie Vase, $12,000

    shop.esque-studio.com / Via goop.com

    The most expensive thing you'll ever put flowers in. Gwyneth sez: "We'd take anything from Esque, most notably, this one-of-a-kind, insanely expensively vase."

    10. Maersk Line Triple-E Lego Set, $150

    shop.lego.com / Via goop.com

    For the budding baby industrialist. Gwyneth sez: This is for the advanced Lego tech."

    11. Mackage Lorde Kid's Coat, $450

    A children's coat for $450. Sure. Gwyneth sez: "A so-cute-it-hurts parka."

    12. Golden Goose Slide Sneaker, $575

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    FYI, these are FOR CHILDREN. Gwyneth sez: "14yos know Golden Goose?"

    13. Charlotte Olympia Kinky Clutch, $1,295

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    A purse with a handcuff on it. Gwyneth sez: "Kinky indeed."

    14. Old Time Slingshot, $28

    shop-generalstore.com / Via goop.com

    It says "Old Time Sling Shot" on it, in case you were confused. Gwyneth sez: "For your young survivalist."

    15. Aspinal of London Travel Backgammon Set, $550

    aspinaloflondon.com / Via goop.com

    For all that travel backgammon you do. Gwyneth sez: "Hours of entertainment in a slick little case. "

    16. And, of course Angel Therapy Meditations, $9.33

    amazon.com / Via goop.com

    Books on tape, but of angels. Gwyneth sez, "For your most stressed out friend" which may or may not be Gwynnie.

    YOU'RE WELCOME.