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16 Holiday Gifts That Need To Calm The Fuck Down

Honestly.

1. A DESIGNER CHICKEN COOP for your fancy-ass chickens.

Because your chickens will only hatch eggs in a coop that looks like Mies van der Rohe concepted it. And you have $11,050 to spare, IDK.
ahalife.com

Because your chickens will only hatch eggs in a coop that looks like Mies van der Rohe concepted it.

And you have $11,050 to spare, IDK.

2. Also your dog house has to match, of course.

PLS GET YOUR DOG HIS OWN PRIVATE "FALLING WATER."Anyway, it's $4,550.
ahalife.com

PLS GET YOUR DOG HIS OWN PRIVATE "FALLING WATER."

Anyway, it's $4,550.

3. Here, have a leather bicycle.

Good luck riding it. Of course it's from Goop. It's ~on sale~ for $2,545.
jaysonhome.com

Good luck riding it. Of course it's from Goop.

It's ~on sale~ for $2,545.

4. Do you still have a regular ol' iPhone? Sad! Get a 24-ct gold phone.

You'll just need $4,995.
ahalife.com

You'll just need $4,995.

5. Or you can buy 110 records from Dennis Hopper's personal record collection. For $150,000.

That's $1,363 a record. The record collection includes Fleetwood Mac, Pete Seeger, and Jefferson Starship — basically every record your dad probably owns.
modaoperandi.com

That's $1,363 a record. The record collection includes Fleetwood Mac, Pete Seeger, and Jefferson Starship — basically every record your dad probably owns.

6. This is a quilted leather arcade game that includes more than 60 video games.

Just $26,400. OK.

7. Keep your pot in the fanciest and most obvious jars ever.

Go ahead, be the Martha Stewart of weed. $75 each.
shop.nickeykehoe.com

Go ahead, be the Martha Stewart of weed. $75 each.

8. Here is a yurt the size of most NYC apartments.

Live like Gwyneth. Just $8,300.
ecprovisionco.com

Live like Gwyneth. Just $8,300.

9. Also, a designer dog sweater from Thom Browne.

This thing your dog will poop in costs $590.
saksfifthavenue.com

This thing your dog will poop in costs $590.

10. This keychain costs $1,600, which is not at all insane.

It's Fendi. Sure, go for it.
saksfifthavenue.com

It's Fendi. Sure, go for it.

11. And this bunch of art pencils and markers? It'll run you $3,222.48.

It is literally just colored pencils and markers you could buy at Target.

12. A grownup-size toy car. It actually works but you will look like an overgrown toddler with no priorities driving it.

Seems reasonable, at just $33,000.
attitudeautos.co.uk

Seems reasonable, at just $33,000.

13. But if that won't get you there fast enough, there's always this Cobalt Valkyrie-X private plane in rose gold. Price tag: $1.5 million.

Get one to match your iPhone, obvs.
neimanmarcus.com

Get one to match your iPhone, obvs.

14. You probably have a loved one who deserves a walk-on role in the hit Broadway musical Waitress.

Buy their affection for $30,000.
neimanmarcus.com

Buy their affection for $30,000.

15. Or just take a balloon ride to SPAAAAAAACE.

It is a mere $75,000.
worldview.space

It is a mere $75,000.

16. And when you come back to Earth, you can buy your own 11-acre private island, complete with a 5,000-square-foot, Frank Lloyd Wright–designed house.

Yeah, people are like, GO AHEAD, BUY AN ISLAND. BITCH IS ONLY $22,800,000. Let's all chip in?

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