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    16 Holiday Gifts That Need To Calm The Fuck Down

    Honestly.

    1. A DESIGNER CHICKEN COOP for your fancy-ass chickens.

    2. Also your dog house has to match, of course.

    3. Here, have a leather bicycle.

    4. Do you still have a regular ol' iPhone? Sad! Get a 24-ct gold phone.

    5. Or you can buy 110 records from Dennis Hopper's personal record collection. For $150,000.

    6. This is a quilted leather arcade game that includes more than 60 video games.

    7. Keep your pot in the fanciest and most obvious jars ever.

    8. Here is a yurt the size of most NYC apartments.

    9. Also, a designer dog sweater from Thom Browne.

    10. This keychain costs $1,600, which is not at all insane.

    11. And this bunch of art pencils and markers? It'll run you $3,222.48.

    It is literally just colored pencils and markers you could buy at Target.

    12. A grownup-size toy car. It actually works but you will look like an overgrown toddler with no priorities driving it.

    13. But if that won't get you there fast enough, there's always this Cobalt Valkyrie-X private plane in rose gold. Price tag: $1.5 million.

    14. You probably have a loved one who deserves a walk-on role in the hit Broadway musical Waitress.

    15. Or just take a balloon ride to SPAAAAAAACE.

    16. And when you come back to Earth, you can buy your own 11-acre private island, complete with a 5,000-square-foot, Frank Lloyd Wright–designed house.

    Yeah, people are like, GO AHEAD, BUY AN ISLAND. BITCH IS ONLY $22,800,000. Let's all chip in?