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    16 Holiday Gifts That Need To Calm The Fuck Down

    Honestly.

    1. A DESIGNER CHICKEN COOP for your fancy-ass chickens.

    ahalife.com

    Because your chickens will only hatch eggs in a coop that looks like Mies van der Rohe concepted it.

    And you have $11,050 to spare, IDK.

    2. Also your dog house has to match, of course.

    ahalife.com

    PLS GET YOUR DOG HIS OWN PRIVATE "FALLING WATER."

    Anyway, it's $4,550.

    3. Here, have a leather bicycle.

    jaysonhome.com

    Good luck riding it. Of course it's from Goop.

    It's ~on sale~ for $2,545.

    4. Do you still have a regular ol' iPhone? Sad! Get a 24-ct gold phone.

    ahalife.com

    You'll just need $4,995.

    5. Or you can buy 110 records from Dennis Hopper's personal record collection. For $150,000.

    modaoperandi.com

    That's $1,363 a record. The record collection includes Fleetwood Mac, Pete Seeger, and Jefferson Starship — basically every record your dad probably owns.

    6. This is a quilted leather arcade game that includes more than 60 video games.

    7. Keep your pot in the fanciest and most obvious jars ever.

    shop.nickeykehoe.com

    Go ahead, be the Martha Stewart of weed. $75 each.

    8. Here is a yurt the size of most NYC apartments.

    ecprovisionco.com

    Live like Gwyneth. Just $8,300.

    9. Also, a designer dog sweater from Thom Browne.

    saksfifthavenue.com

    This thing your dog will poop in costs $590.

    10. This keychain costs $1,600, which is not at all insane.

    saksfifthavenue.com

    It's Fendi. Sure, go for it.

    11. And this bunch of art pencils and markers? It'll run you $3,222.48.

    It is literally just colored pencils and markers you could buy at Target.

    12. A grownup-size toy car. It actually works but you will look like an overgrown toddler with no priorities driving it.

    attitudeautos.co.uk

    Seems reasonable, at just $33,000.

    13. But if that won't get you there fast enough, there's always this Cobalt Valkyrie-X private plane in rose gold. Price tag: $1.5 million.

    neimanmarcus.com

    Get one to match your iPhone, obvs.

    14. You probably have a loved one who deserves a walk-on role in the hit Broadway musical Waitress.

    neimanmarcus.com

    Buy their affection for $30,000.

    15. Or just take a balloon ride to SPAAAAAAACE.

    worldview.space

    It is a mere $75,000.

    16. And when you come back to Earth, you can buy your own 11-acre private island, complete with a 5,000-square-foot, Frank Lloyd Wright–designed house.

    Yeah, people are like, GO AHEAD, BUY AN ISLAND. BITCH IS ONLY $22,800,000. Let's all chip in?