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What Straight Men's Careers Say About Them

Judgment day is here.

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"In theory they sound great because they're smart and seem to care about the world around them."

"I would feel guilty if I wasn't interested / up to date on what they were writing about."

"'Don't ever date a journalist' (says a journalist.)"

"They (also we) are always making a narrative out of every situation."

"Stop asking me questions. I am not a story."

"They also really buy into the coffee-swilling, notebook-toting gumshoe reporter thing."

"Yeah, the Bob Woodward syndrome."

"AND an unfinished novel on the side."

War Reporter

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"OH MY GOD. The HOTTEST. Literally. Nothing hotter."

"I picture these beautiful, sort of rough, manly hands?"

"Thick, soft hair except for that spot near his ear where he was grazed by a bullet."

"I imagine like a Robert Redford type in a khaki shirt."

"Like a mix between Robert Capa and Robert Redford in Out of Africa."

"They're romantic, and pragmatic."

"I'd always worry about them though, like 80% of the relationship would be stressful."

"And they're gone a lot."

"They will look down on your small life when they come back."

"'Honey, how was your day?' — imagine the two answers between you two."


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"If WE (common folk) are dating a filmmaker, they are an ASPIRING filmmaker."

"There should be a rule you can't call yourself a 'filmmaker' until you've actually made a film."

"They always want to talk about their screenplay."

"YOU CAN'T WATCH MOVIES WITH THEM. They will ruin every movie for you."

"They'll have that one shit movie that you hate that they think is the best thing ever."

"They just LOVE the French Nouvelle Vague."

"You'll have to pretend like you like their films. It will weigh a heavy toll on the relationship."


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"It should be more of a hobby, right? Not a job. Time to let go."

"If you pay your rent with your music, then you are a musician. If not, you can play the guitar well."

"They're fun to bone but the ego is too much."

"The ego is either a fragile baby bird or the Great Wall of China. Nothing in between."

"And if you don't like their music, you won't like their music."

"If you like their music, you're fucked."

*Symphony Orchestra Musician

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"To clarify, a symphony orchestra musician is fine."

"If you're dating the second violin in the Met Opera orchestra, that's dope."

"Like a sensual violinist... hi."

"I think the cello is hot."

"It's hot for a woman."

"Fuck a drummer, date a pianist."

"Drummers are hot but they're trouble, I will confirm."


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"I feel like they'd be judging my teeth constantly."

"Dentists aren't real because I have never encountered a dentist in the wild."

"They are obviously smart, but socially awkward with a hint of creepiness."

"If I kissed them, they would feel my enamel."

"At least they'd probably always have minty breath."

"Yeah but you don't always have minty breath yourself and they will judge you."

"BUT... free dental work probably?"


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"Argue me into bed, you monster."

"I only know them from movies and TV shows though, but there's never been a hotter man on TV than Will Gardner on The Good Wife."

"All the men on The Good Wife actually, SO HOT."

"I just think of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar."

"They are smart smart smart –– but always want to argue."

"But imagine being behind your boo in court when he 12 Angry Jurors somebody into submission/confessing on the stand."



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"If you don't like blood or are squeamish... don't even. Because they aren't grossed out by anything, and will openly discuss at dinner."

"They have nice voices too. They speak very clearly and don't mince words."

"Male nurses are kinda cute. They're not weird about gender roles."

"Probably all feminists."

"Male nurses are very secure."

Finance Bro

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"I mean there's the $$$ but other than that, ewwww."

"Hobbies include drinking and golf and not much else going on upstairs."

"I wouldn't know what to talk about with them."

"One thing I will say is you get what you see: sometimes very hot, always very rich."

"I don't agree with what they do but they're pretty honest with what they do."

"Also: Patrick Bateman."

"They do lots of drugs: fun also sad."

"To sum up: fun also sad."


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"Cute and hot."

"Passionate, kind, doing it because they love it."

"I imagine they're patient."

"If they got into teaching because they love it: HOT. If they got into teaching because they failed at something else: TERRIBLE."

"Summers OFF though."

"Summers with no paycheck."


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"Different ballgame here."

"Cheating on you with a student."

"They literally lecture you all the time."

"They're intellectually arrogant, and think they're better than you because they have a Ph.D."


"They have a lot of books. Books everywhere. In a nice library."

"I just picture old guys who love the idea of young twentysomething girls looking at them like they're God."

Visual Artist/Photographer

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"You'll always have a nice profile pic."

"They won't stop snapping away if you're just out in the world though."

"I love visual artists and photographers. Tasteful and fun and creative."

"If you don't like what they make it's a dealbreaker, though."

"Graphic designers seem down to Earth."

"They have cool, creative jobs, and they make a living."

"They're still doing art but not in a pretentious bohemian way."


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"Sad, sad people."

"Sad clowns."

"Sad, drinks a lot, will make fun of you/tell lies onstage."

"You'd think they'd always make you laugh but instead they'll subtly take you down a dark hole of emotional despair."

"It's never consistent; you won't know when they're joking IRL."

"They may discuss your sex life on stage, be warned (happened to me, eek.)"




"The best."

"My honest theory of dating is that chefs are perfect men because 1) they can cook and cook well 2) they have cool taste in beer and 3) they are NEVER EVER AROUND."

"Imagine waking up at three in the morning to find your boyfriend has made you foie gras and then just wants to have sex and fall back asleep."

"They'll make up for missed birthdays with a gourmet meal."

"Bad hours. Awful schedule. And, according to Anthony Bourdain, drug problems."

"But hey, good food."

"Food can compensate for a lot, though......................"

"Except murder, if they killed someone."

Social Worker

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"These are solidly good, good people."

"They DEFINITELY do it for the job so that's admirable."

"But I would feel guilty all the time that I'm not helping humanity every day."

"You would emerge from the relationship enlightened."

"I admire them and I want to admire the person I'm with. So that's good."


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"Likes buildings!"

"The perfect male job."

"Every good movie boyfriend is an architect."

"Artistic, but grounded."

"They need to know a lot of technical stuff/math but have an appreciation for beauty."

"They don't make a lot of money, that's a myth."

"I picture them in tweed jackets with elbow patches."

"They wear all black, with glasses."


"They are genuinely interesting and fun people usually, sigh. Go find one."

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