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63 Thoughts You Have When You Date Online

"Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry."

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1. Brrr, it's cold out!

2. I wish I had a body next to this body.

3. Not even a significant other, just someone to keep these brittle bones warm and maybe watch Cake Boss with.

4. And also to have sex, but not in a sad, detached way. I want to feel things!

5. But I haven't met anyone new in months, and the last person I hooked up with gave me a urinary tract infection.

6. I guess I can try OkCupid.

7. I mean, I do know two people who met their spouses on there. There's hope yet!

8. Ok, let's pick out a username.

9. BurritoQueen91, perfect.

10. Now it's time to fill out some questions. I got this.

11. My "self-summary"? How does one summarize themselves? What does this even mean???

12. (....who am I, really?)

13. I'll just link to the Vine of that fabulous kid who danced on the news that one time. Hope that counts.

14. Hehehe, that kid was so great. It never gets old!

15. Next question: "What do I with my life?"

16. SNOOZEVILLE.

17. I feel like I'm on a bad first date already.

18. "Competitive eater." There. Moving on.

19. Favorite movies/music/shows/books/food.

20. Here stranger: Here's a five paragraph essay about every enjoyable thing I've ever encountered. Have fun!

21. Skipping that one. Way too much work.

22. "What six things could you not live without?"

23. Air, my mom, cheese, hot showers with good water pressure, a job, my surprisingly unwavering health.

24. None of these are romantic. Maybe the shower one. Still, eh.

25. Skipping!

26. "Most private thing you're willing to admit" — nope!

27. I don't know you. You've earned nothing, let alone awkward high school memories.

28. Skipping!

29. Well, now I guess it's time to upload some sweet pics.

30. I have so many sweet pics on hand! Let me just check my Facebook.

31. Ok, there are none where I'm not a) behind a crowd of 20 people or b) very drunk.

32. If I don't find a boo on here, I should at least make friends with a photographer. Noted.

33. Seriously, I feel like everyone has that one friend who casually takes natural-looking glamour shots of them having autumn picnics while being surrounded by an equally cool-looking posse.

34. Oh! There's this picture from last year when my hair looked really good after getting it cut and I wisely took a selfie.

35. Is that a white lie though? Am I no better than those guys who post photos from 11 years ago and trick you into getting cappuccinos with a 45-year-old divorced dad of two?

36. Now I'm just imagining meeting a guy and him turning back around when he sees my hair isn't artfully curled at the bottom.

37. ...I'm not taking a new selfie. I accept a life of lies.

38. Profile done!

39. No views yet.

40. It's fine, I'll just read something while I wait.

41. No views yet. How long does this take?

42. Sigh. I mean, I GUESS I can browse through some guys too and maaaybe even message first. I'm progressive and all.

43. Ooooh, hello. Who's this? CLICK.

44. He has a golden retriever in his pics, and he has good taste in cashmere sweaters. What could possibly go wrong?

45. "I'm a nice guy and I'll make you laugh. I like to have long intellectual discussions and defend my opinions."

46. A bit arrogant, no?

47. Hmm, maybe raincheck on that one. But hey, this guy looks cool!

48. Double sleeve tattoos, hellooo.

49. "My self-summary: dying and living." "What I'm doing with my life: i'm a musician and writer and sometimes photographer."

50. Oh good god, no.

51. Where does that ego come from???

52. Phew, ok, this guy seems normal.

53. He smiling in all his pictures and he seems to have hobbies. Let's just read his bio.

54. "I like it when food comes out of the can shaped like the can."

55. That's all it says.

56. ...

57. WELL, if I shape my pillow the right way, it could ALMOST feel like a person.

58. Is modern romance really dead?

59. Does my independence and career focus make me too picky? Will I never find someone for long-term because I can't work through the smaller issues?

60. OH A MESSAGE!

61. Please be normal please be normal please be normal.

62. "Hi. You seem cool. I like burritos too."

63. There's hope yet.

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