1. So. Many. People.
2. People who don’t let everyone out first = the worst people.
3. This woman and her bag will suffocate me and that’ll be it.
4. Someone definitely peed on this handrail before.
5. I should bring a book next time.
6. LOL, because yeah, standing in a crowd of people and reading is soooo relaxing!
7. UGH, MUSICIANS.
8. UGH, BREAKDANCERS. (Side note: Please don’t kick me in the face.)
9. I want to give this homeless guy money but I literally only have my credit card and a bobby pin on me.
10. Just going to look at the ground and look like a heartless asshole, no big deal.
11. I should buy a bike.
12. I should’ve just walked 80 blocks.
13. “We are delayed because of the train’s dispatcher” will be written on my tombstone.
14. And below that: “Stand clear of the closing doors, please,” repeated over and over again.
15. I accidentally touched this stranger’s hand on the rail. I hope they didn’t notice.
16. Nope, they noticed. Sorry for the unintentional gentle hand caress, stranger.
17. There’s only one seat and there’s a crusty substance on it.
18. WHATEVER, YOLO, I’M SITTING DOWN.
19. The person next to me is questionably smelly and I’m too close.
20. My left buttcheek is slightly touching their right buttcheek. Do they know?
21. I can try to move closer to the guy blasting “Drunk in Love” through his headphones.
23. But actually, how is this guy OK and functioning?
24. Well, at least he’s not the PDA-ing couple sitting across.
25. Because nothing says “tender kiss” like greasy seats and no space!
26. Ugh, at least this’ll be better in the summer when we’re not all in puffy jackets.
27. Ugh, at least this’ll be better in the winter when we’re not all sweating on each other.
28. Do these Dr. Zizmor plastic surgery ads even work? They must, because he has them in every subway and that requires mad $$$.
29. LOL, what if the doors suddenly swing open and we all fly out and die?
30. JK JK, this train hasn’t moved in a million hours (aka seven minutes).
31. Why’s the train standing still? Did someone die?
32. “Person in need of medical assistance” — someone did die, and I’m a dick.
33. I will die on this train (no disrespect).
34. How have they not invented cell phone service underground yet?
35. OMG, we’re going over the Manhattan Bridge, FIVE MINUTES OF HEAVEN AKA SERVICE BRB TEXTING EVERYONE EVER.
36. That dude’s back is not letting the doors close and he’s just not moving.
37. They should just have the doors close on him anyway.
38. Like, too bad your arm was sticking — HAVE FUN NOT HAVING ONE NOW.
39. So, that was dark. I need to move out of New York.
40. Maybe L.A.? My own car?
41. Where I could listen to my own music in my own space?
42. Some girl just moved her head and smacked me in the face with her ponytail. Definitely moving.
43. If I ever get off this train. PLEASE LET ME OFF.
44. What if I actually never get off this train? What if we’re stuck here forever?
45. What if we all had to procreate and start a family?
46. My children will never see the light.
47. But ooh, that stranger is cute! I’d procreate with them if I had to!
48. At the very least, I hope they write about me in Craigslist Missed Connections.
49. (We can lie about where we met because the subway deserves no love or credit.)
50. We can also move to the suburbs.
51. Nah, we’ll probably never see each other again.
52. I’m just going to keep crafting this romantic narrative about a complete stranger because what else is there to do?
53. I just want to see the sun again.
54. OH, never mind, the train’s moving again!
55. Wait, is it even going uptown? I forgot to check!
56. Why don’t all the subways have the electric light-up map thing? It’s 2014.
57. Please be going the right way. Pleasepleaseplease.
58. I actually don’t know what I’ll do if this is going in the opposite direction.
59. PHEW, OK, we’re good!
60. Just being healthily paranoid.
61. If I close my eyes and wish it hard enough, maybe the subway will finally stop.
62. Counting to five, by five the doors will open.
63. PLEASE OPEN AND PROVE I HAVE TELEKINESIS.
66. …Damnit. Still closed.
67. I just wanted to kick it open like a barbarian!
68. (I just might.)
69. Oh! Oh, wait! I’m FREE!
70. Bye, never coming back!
71. (Except I always will.)
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