10 Expert Tips For Thoughtfully Talking About Racism With Family Or Friends

It can be difficult — but there are practical ways to make things more effective for everyone.

Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed

Right now, many of us are having tough conversations with family about Black Lives Matter, racism, and police brutality.

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But making sure those conversations are constructive is often easier said than done.

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Racism isn't a switch we can turn on or off. It's deeply embedded in how our society is structured. We're all continually learning, and we should approach these difficult conversations with that understanding.

To figure out how to best do that, we spoke to two experts:

• Araya Baker, counselor, suicidologist, and policy analyst.

• Monnica Williams, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and director of the Laboratory for Culture and Mental Health Disparities.

Here are 10 things to focus on when talking to family or friends about race, racism, and injustice:

1. Educate yourself first so you can accurately articulate your opinion.

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When talking to someone who might disagree with you, it can be difficult to fully convey your point if you don't know the context behind it. As a starting point around racism, there are plenty of books, films, and resources that can provide necessary background.

At the same time, if you — or your family — aren't yet aware of the history of racism, keep in mind that it's not entirely your fault. "Most people’s invalidation of racism’s well-documented history can be traced back to two failures of our education system," says Araya Baker.

"Schools teach revisionist accounts of history that distort necessary historical context," he says. "Schools also don't teach structural analysis of -isms. Things like racism, sexism, or classism are framed as micro-level interpersonal issues." This is often to avoid discussing power dynamics and how people can both use privilege in a harmful way or benefit from privilege in a passive way, he says.

2. Lead with questions and curiosity.

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As emotional as you rightfully may be, starting a conversation with accusations or anger likely won't get you anywhere. Instead, Monnica Williams suggests asking questions and approaching it from a place of trying to understand their perspective.

For example, if your parents believe police are usually provoked into violence, you can say, "It seems a lot of people are expressing the same thing. What do you think they're most concerned about?" says Williams. "Pose it as a question and make them explain why they think the way they do."

Williams recommends treating these conversations as if a family member said "I just saw Elvis at the grocery store." If your reaction is to just call them crazy, you won't know why they think what they think. But ask them to tell you more — and you might start to get somewhere.

3. Keep a few links, videos, podcasts, or statistics handy.

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Even if you've actively been reading and learning about racism, it can be easy to forget some key points, especially if the conversation turns into a heated debate.

"If you want to keep conversations on track, I’d recommend not only referencing teaching tools and data — both statistics and stories — but also keeping these resources in an easily accessible place," says Baker. "That can look like bookmarking links and posts on social media, or compiling a shareable syllabus."
You can start by opening a Google Doc and adding new things as you come across them. If you have a specific family member you want to convince, try looking up people they admire or respect who have now vocalized condemnation of police brutality.

4. But don't count on this being an entirely rational argument.

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These talks will get tense because emotions come before facts, says Williams. "We know from a psychological perspective that emotions come first and people find reasons to validate their feelings. If you jump into a heated argument with just facts, you're not going to get anywhere."

The more effective route, according to Williams, is to figure out what's behind the strong emotions the other person has. "You want to be very calm and de-escalate any potential heat," she says. A big part of that is showing that you're listening, too.

5. Avoid preemptively assuming (and stewing over) what your family member will say.

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If you've had disagreements with family about, say, the NFL protests before, it can be easy to feel outraged in advance because you're convinced they're going to condemn the current protests too.

But those assumptions can negatively affect how you approach discussions, says Baker. "When you go into a conversation with your defenses up, you’re more prone to overreact."

6. Be extra aware of what the other person has been socialized to believe and value.

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Considering someone’s conditioning is important and can help in contextualizing their biases, says Baker. "Remembering their background and upbringing can prevent you from blaming them as an individual, instead of the institutions and systems that socialized them."

7. Be humble yourself.

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Privilege is not a clear-cut metric, nor is race or class the only way one has it. Approaching it from that angle — and not an "I'm educating you" way — can take you further.

Often, people are most receptive to criticism when the person teaching displays humility, says Baker. "For me, that can be explaining my learning curve about class and male privilege. I’m a queer Black person, but I also grew up in a financially stable, middle class family, and I’m also read as a cisgender male," says Baker. "Sharing this often signals to people that my interest in dismantling inequitable power structures isn’t just a self-centered endeavor."

8. Don't expect to solve racism in one conversation — and know when to pick it back up later.

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Williams says there's an important thing to keep in mind, particularly if you're talking to older people. "They've lived in this society — a racist society — for decades," she says. "They have a certain way of thinking that may well be deeply ingrained. It would be naive to think that one conversation is going to turn them into a social justice warrior."

Because of that, anticipate that your victories will be incremental. "If you can make a small point and feel like it's been received — or even that the person is just thinking about it — that might be a good place to stop," says Williams. "Let them digest that new information before you come back for round two."

Baker agrees, and stresses the importance of being patient with family and friends, especially if they haven’t had the same amount of exposure to ideas that challenge them. "It takes discernment to figure out if they’re just willfully ignorant and committed to misunderstanding you, or are just confused and overwhelmed by new information but trying their best."

9. If your family reacts to the conversation in ways that make you feel threatened or unsafe, know when to pause.

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It's one thing to have a frustrating conversation with a sibling, or to sit with the discomfort of a parent hanging up the phone on you. It's another if even calm opposition is seen as disrespect or justification for abusive behavior, like punishing you, kicking you out of the house, or calling you names.

Williams says if the latter happens, it's not really safe to have any conversation, and that's a sign of immediate problems to address. This especially rings true if you're a minor and rely on your parents or family for things like shelter and food.

10. Lastly, consider this an opportunity for yourself, where you don't need to tolerate disrespect, bigotry, or hatred.

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"A lot of courageous folks who confront their family members about issues related to oppression and privilege get alienated or intimidated," says Baker. "I urge them to take their courage a step further, and consider that not everyone who’s related to you by blood is 'family.'"

Maybe this moment feels like a bigger catalyst in your life, one where you realize that even though you "agreed to disagree" in the past, you just can't do it now. Unfortunately, sticking up for what you believe in can mean distancing or cutting yourself off from people you thought you were close with.

"Losing [connection] can be a complicated trauma to cope with, but you will survive it," says Baker. The good news? "You’ll find many like-minded people along your journey. And they'll affirm every truth of yours that others refused to acknowledge or hold space for."

Interviews have been lightly edited for length or clarity.