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Holidays Ranked By How Lonely You Are

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11. The 4th of July

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Summer is officially uncuffing season, so you probably won't be the only single person! This holiday is about celebrating AMERICA, dammit, and it's all about being united in the state of being drunk together in one giant mass. Unless your ex Travis is there.

10. Hanukkah

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If you're worried about being single, you're probably too old for presents, so there's nothing stopping you from compulsively checking your OkCupid profile and then disabling it and then re-enabling it and then wondering if you could just date latkes instead. Latkes never ghosted you like Travis did.

9. Halloween

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Couple costumes, man. When will you find the Harold to your Maude? The Bonnie to your Clyde? The Piper to your Alex????? Seriously, all you've ever wanted was to dress up like those cute kids from that Wes Anderson movie. Oh well. At least when you do your group costume of all the different Britneys, you'll look cute enough to make Travis wonder why he was ever so blind.

8. Your Birthday

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Birthdays can be naturally lonely-feeling holidays in general (from all the pressure to have tons of friends and a memorable party), but this is also YOUR DAY. No matter what you do, the universe is on your side, and the universe is saying, "Daaaaaaaaamn, you're a catch. Travis is an idiot, forget about him." You'll probably still kinda hope he likes your birthday selfie though. :/

7. Easter

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Luckily, this holiday is all about Jesus, so anyone who makes you feel bad for being alone while you're supposed to be reflecting on the resurrection of Christ is a real jerk. Kind of like Travis.

6. St. Patrick’s Day

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You never thought this could be a sensual holiday until that couple got caught having public sex last year. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. But a minuscule, perhaps underdeveloped part of your brain finds it a teeny bit appealing to wear matching green and get blackout drunk in pubs together and possibly (probably) help each other puke later. Ignore it. You're better than this. Who cares if Travis is out on the town right now? Not you.

5. Valentine’s Day

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This day was literally invented to make single people feel inferior, but if you are a single person, you're prepared to feel like garbage the moment February rolls around and you can't walk into a CVS without knocking over a Russell Stover display. You're ready for it, and you've made your own plans. So what if that involves drinking a full bottle of $3 chardonnay and pretending you're Kathy Bates in Misery and Travis is that sad writer guy? THIS IS YOUR DAY, TOO.

4. Christmas

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One day, before you even realize it, this otherwise flawless gift-giving holiday suddenly makes you really want someone to snuggle by the fire or mistletoe kiss or, let's face it, Instagram to death. Before you know it, songs like "Santa, Baby" and "All I Want for Christmas Is You" will stop being background noise and instead make you wonder a) what really went wrong between you and Travis and b) why Santa is fetishized in so many songs.

3. Thanksgiving

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This will be traumatizing for one of two reasons (or possibly both): Either you went off to college and your high school S.O. chose this time to break up with you, or your family hasn't seen you in ages and has decided that the first question to ask is if you're seeing anyone, after they accidentally thought you and Travis were still together. At least there's food to compensate for all this solitude?

2. Groundhog Day

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You haven't been touched by another person in so long, so seeing this stupid rodent get affectionately held and paid attention to is the equivalent of going to Travis' wedding without a sexy date and then spilling red wine all over yourself.

1. New Year's Eve

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Nothing says "I'm facing my own mortality" like watching a countdown and observing all the couples and horny strangers around you sucking face while you sip your champagne alone, still thinking about Travis a little.

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