A Definitive Ranking Of Foods To Eat After Sex

Post-coital treats you don’t have to get dressed for!

23. A Cigarette

Though not technically a food, it’s often reached for once the act of love has been concluded. It’s a little sexy, it’s mostly bad for you, and it ultimately doesn’t fill you up. Boo.

22. Smoothies

Yeah it’s replenishing and healthy and blah blah blah but like, they require so much work. And you should be cuddling. WHO ARE YOU.

21. Delivery Anything

It’s always excellent, except one problem: You have to put clothes on, or fashion a makeshift bedsheet toga. Now ask yourself: IS THAT WORTH IT?

20. Coffee (Black)

You hate feeling tired for even a second and this’ll get the job done but jeez, just relax for a second!

19. A Piece of Bread (Hopefully Toasted)

It’s easy and fills you up, but it lacks soul, man.

18. Gatorade

When you’re done being someone else’s thirst quencher, this is a fast and carefree way to restore those electrolytes.

17. Popcorn


16. Berries

They’re refreshing and good for you! (not that the latter is important, since this is all about you having a fun time and who cares.)

15. Tortilla Chips with (Store-bought) Salsa

Ranked this low only because the chips are likely stale and you likely don’t have guac.

14. Easy Mac

It requires mild effort, but it’s worth it. All parties will be satisfied.

13. A Beer

A classic. Consider skipping only if your pre-coital experience already involved like eight of these.

12. Ramen (from the Package, Obviously)

This is the food version of a quickie. And there’s an opportunity to bond over flavor choices (if you both agree on beef, you’re a solid couple. Good for you!)

11. Leftover Pizza

Sure, it’s not as great as when you first had it, but it’s still pizza. Pizza at it’s worst is still better than 90% of all other foods at their best.

10. Deli Meats

If you have at least three different kinds, you’re good to go. Even if your hands get a little greasy. Plus, eating meat in bed is so positively medieval, in only the best way.

9. Leftover Chinese

Behold those oily noodle tendrils! Admire those glistening beads of sauce, drawing you closer!

8. Bagel Bites

When you had these as a kid, you probably couldn’t imagine possibly wanting them even more. But those feelings never went away, even as an adult having just done adult things.

7. Candy

It’s light and gives you a sugar high. Besides, who says you have to be an adult the whole night?

6. Nutella (Right out of the Jar)

Messy and casual, just the way you like it.

5. Leftover Birthday Cake

A seasonal treat, this the the unicorn of post-coital foods. Treat it with the respect it deserves.

4. Chocolate

Yadda yadda it’s an aphrodisiac yadda yadda. Forget that. Chocolate is even better after the aphrodisiac aspect has taken effect.

3. Dino Nuggets

After consent and contraceptives, these are the most important things to have in your room when planning a sexual encounter.

2. Blocks of Cheese

Your perfect union and sense of oneness could only be enhanced with one thing. Also, it’s a fact that having cheese in your possession makes people fall in love with you more. So there’s that.

1. Ice Cream (from the Carton, Two Spoons)

Simple. Romantic. Perfection. It says “hey, I like you” without coming on too strong. So share a carton and savor the moment!

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