2. Conspiracy theory #1: Drake might “just hump you.”
- Actual size, to scale
3. Conspiracy theory #2: Flacid Drake started from the bottom but is now here & erect.
This guy gets style points for the photo and for the extra step.
4. Conspiracy theory #3: “He might be curved…most guys are curved.”
5. Conspiracy theory #4: Sex/overuse is shrinking Drake’s penis.
This guy seems very ~confused~ about penis function and maybe needs to talk to a doctor about how the human body works. Points for quoting some lyrics, though.
6. Conspiracy theory #5: Just be your warm fuzzy small-penis self, Drake.
7. Conspiracy theory #6: The tip of drake’s penis is exactly where we are in space and time.
“Like a Native American totem tower, it starts from the bottom and now is here. (The tip.)”
8. Conspiracy theory #7: Feelings make your penis smaller.
9. Conspiracy theory #8: Comrad Drake has a utilitarian penis.
“It gets the job done. You know.”
10. Conspiracy #9: The Japanese body-mod community inspired Drake to create a “chopstix micropenus” to “brush against” men/women.
Elements of a “chopstix penus”:
- Inspired by Japanese body-mod “bagel heads”
- Started by Drake, became too popular
- To be ~special,~ Drake had to add a few “micropenuses” onto the main one
- Specially-designed condoms
11. Like all TRUE conspiracy theories, “Chopstix penus” is based on the shapes of real objects:
12. CHOPSTIX PENUS???????????
- The 2016 MTV VMAs are airing at 8 p.m. ET tonight. Here are all the nominees 📺🎵