What Every Commercial During The 2012 Olympics Was Basically Like

I’m just getting over our withdrawals from the games themselves and now I’ve reached a second-level of deprivation: I need my anthemic, motivational, tear-inducing commercials. Because if a historical, athletic achievement isn’t enough to break you down, a magnificent paper towel commercial sure is.

1. Open on a famous athlete.

2. Cut to a less famous one.

3. Now, an atypical sport.

4. Don’t forget the filter.

5. Commence booming voice over. Something broad…

6. “Dedication.”

7. Hey, look… A paralympian!

8. “More vague narrating. Because this isn’t just about athletes. It’s about a corporation.”

9. “Have you noticed our rhetorical questions?”

10. “Have you noticed our moms?”

11. “Have you noticed our repetition?”

15. “Sentences.”

17. “Emphasis.”

18. “Concluding with a long-winded, dragging on more than before, continuation of saying stuff that sounds impressive, dear God it’s a summation of everything… okay—finally—our tagline inexplicably featuring a made-up word.”

19. “We Know Powergy.”

20. The last frame. You can cry now.

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