To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Jane Doe. I am a soon-to-be graduate of the University of Maryland, College Park, where I basically majored in Netflix and shitty relationships. As you may have noticed, you are receiving this email at 5:30 a.m. EST. No, this impressive timing is not because I'm a go getter who likes to seize the day in "Dead Poet's Society" fashion, but rather because I am a useless schmuck still awake from a night of amphetamine ingestion and panicking about my doomed future.
My skills include (and are pretty much limited to): making wry witty comments in the presence of my closest friends; having a vast network of kind family members who can rework the grammar of all my articles (i.e. I'm resourceful); giving surprisingly good hand jobs (i.e. I'm compassionate); writing irrelevant academic papers on deadline; and somehow remembering to (occasionally) eat in my so-standardly-college-it-makes-me-sick manic/depressive states.
As a former sufferer of severe OCD, I am great at obsessing and thinking about one project, and one project only. So if you give me ONE task, I'll give a mind-blowing performance, but will probably panic and complain to my sister about anything else you put on my plate.
As far as former paid positions go, I have plenty of experience a.) bossing around little kids at theater camp while teaching them faggy, oudated, songs, and b.) working all summer as a "Food Runner" in an upscale restaurant, taking food back and forth from kitchen to table for ten hours at a time (which shows my propensity to handle an incomprehensible amount of utter bullshit). The fact that these companies at one point invested slightly above minimum wage in my work clearly demonstrates that I am worth more than 35 grand a year (plus benefits) to your company.
My previous production internships highlight what a lucky S.O.B. I am, and (as the good Lord I stopped believing in Sophomore year during my first existential crisis knows) luck is a particularly useful charm to have hanging around your business.
Most importantly, I am a directionless liberal arts student who will literally take ANY position that helps put even the tiniest dent in paying back the student loans I ignorantly accumulated through 3.5 years of mediocre education in a degree I no longer care about. And what could be more useful to your company than a girl so desperate to perform?!?
I have decided not to attach my resume or appropriate writing samples because...let's be real. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to checking my inbox every minute for the next two weeks only to never hear back from you.
MOST sincerely,
Jane Doe
Failure.
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