In preparation for the real beginning of football this Sunday (football on a Wednesday? What is this, the MAC?), I simulated a season in Madden NFL 13 to get a feel for what computers think will happen this year. Let’s just say — and as a fan of dystopian science fiction, I never say this — I really hope they’re right.
1. Records Will Fall
According to the computer that has replaced John Madden’s brain, we’re in for an offensive barn-burner of a season. Records will be challenged and falling left and right. Receptions? Look out for Miles Austin who will best the current record for catches in a season by 1,397 receptions. I mean I guess they could have meant yards, but I want to see him catch more than 100 passes a game. Get it to him, Romo!
Madden is bullish on the 49ers and Frank Gore’s historic season has a lot to do with it. That’s not all that surprising though, have you seen Alex Smith play quarterback (we’ll come back to this).
Add Matt Ryan’s epic 565 yard day to the above, along with a near-historic day from Randy Moss in week 3 against Minneosta (360 receiving yards!) and Roger Goodell’s plan to weaken defenses and juice scores will finally be complete! It’s amazing what happens when receivers can go across the middle all day.
2. Nightmares Will End
Congrats Chargers fans! After another disappointing playoff exit, Norv Turner will hang up his headset to go play golf, where he’ll play decently for 17 holes before turning around, hitting the ball as hard as he can backwards, taking off his pants and shitting on the tee box.
Tired of Goodell’s draconian fines, James Harrison will be free to start a fight club where he can hit people in the head as hard as he wants.
As a Browns fan this made me happy. He didn’t even make it to the regular season.
After failing to make the playoffs, the Bengals will finally cut ties with Marvin Lewis, proving that no one can sit on a hot seat for so many years without negative ass consequences.
3. People Will Be Dumb On Twitter
Yeah, because the problem is that Marvin Lewis didn’t have enough time.
Okay, thanks Robert!
Today I learned that Mark Schlereth makes a mean chili, and that his fans don’t know how to spell chili. (Either that or Mark Schlereth has huge pull in the country Chile, and was able to gift it to someone.)
4. New Nightmares Will Begin
Read that description again. Hey Jacksonville fans, are you ready for the Chad Henne era?
5. Weird College Football Stories Will Happen
One of the funniest new features in Madden is the story lines that are created for the fictional college stars you scout. Take Hank Delaney, who was a middling fullback at San Jose State before finally being moved to tailback, where he promptly became dominant. I want some crazy shit like this to happen in real life this year.
Did I say middling? Well Skip, disagrees with that assessment of ol’ Hank.
The Ballad of John Lugo is my favorite of these fictional stories. Lugo was a talented middle linebacker at Pitt before becoming a deranged, violent crazy person. Early in the season he’s ejected from a game and then suspended for punching another player.
And then a few weeks later he commits what is only referred to as a “violent attack” on a Boston College player. What happened? Did he take off this kid’s helmet and beat him with it? Did he dropkick him? Did he bring a knife onto the field?
Happy trails John Lugo. I hope no one in FBS goes Metta World War on anyone this season, but I could use some colorful Lugo-esque characters.
6. Insanity Will Reign
The 49ers are going all the way! Because of Frank Gore’s dominance? Nope. Alex Smith will turn into Peyton Manning for the Super Bowl against Pittsburgh. No word whether any pig shit got on his uniform, as a flock of them will be seen flying over the stadium.
Because when you’re an average fullback it’s best to hold out. Good idea fake Greg Jones. I wish this was real. The absurdity is so sweet.
The real craziness will happen when Tony Gonzalez signs a six year deal in Atlanta. This would make him the first tight end to be elegible for Social Security while still playing pro football (probably). The twelve Falcons fans will be so pissed. I, on the other hand, will never stop laughing.
7. Skip Bayless Will Be A Jackass
Some people hate Skip, but the world needs villains and he’s among the best (alongside people like Kristen Stewart and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). I hope he doesn’t soften this year. Madden doesn’t think he will.
Skip’s not impressed in the preseason even if you’re Aaron Rodgers
He’ll be a dick to other reporters.
Read both fake Skip tweets. If this doesn’t sum up why he’s the best, nothing will.
Yeah, but I bet you’ll try, Skip.
ONE BONUS THING THAT BETTER NOT COME TRUE: People pretending that the Pro Bowl matters.
- Four people died in what officials are calling a terror attack after a car drove into pedestrians near Parliament in London. A suspect was also killed by police.
- Rep. Adam Schiff said there's "more than circumstantial evidence" that President Trump's campaign colluded with Russia during the election.
- Donald Trump said he feels "somewhat" vindicated after the Republican intelligence chairman in the House claimed Trump's team was surveilled.
- As if it wasn't easy enough to buy someone coffee, you'll now be able to send Starbucks gift cards via text on Apple's iMessage ☕️📲