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The 7 Storylines Predicted By Madden NFL 13 That Will Hopefully Come True

Records falling? Crazy, violent college students? Nightmares finally ending? Check, check, and check.

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In preparation for the real beginning of football this Sunday (football on a Wednesday? What is this, the MAC?), I simulated a season in Madden NFL 13 to get a feel for what computers think will happen this year. Let's just say — and as a fan of dystopian science fiction, I never say this — I really hope they're right.

1. Records Will Fall

According to the computer that has replaced John Madden's brain, we're in for an offensive barn-burner of a season. Records will be challenged and falling left and right. Receptions? Look out for Miles Austin who will best the current record for catches in a season by 1,397 receptions. I mean I guess they could have meant yards, but I want to see him catch more than 100 passes a game. Get it to him, Romo!


Add Matt Ryan's epic 565 yard day to the above, along with a near-historic day from Randy Moss in week 3 against Minneosta (360 receiving yards!) and Roger Goodell's plan to weaken defenses and juice scores will finally be complete! It's amazing what happens when receivers can go across the middle all day.

2. Nightmares Will End

Congrats Chargers fans! After another disappointing playoff exit, Norv Turner will hang up his headset to go play golf, where he'll play decently for 17 holes before turning around, hitting the ball as hard as he can backwards, taking off his pants and shitting on the tee box.


Today I learned that Mark Schlereth makes a mean chili, and that his fans don't know how to spell chili. (Either that or Mark Schlereth has huge pull in the country Chile, and was able to gift it to someone.)


5. Weird College Football Stories Will Happen

One of the funniest new features in Madden is the story lines that are created for the fictional college stars you scout. Take Hank Delaney, who was a middling fullback at San Jose State before finally being moved to tailback, where he promptly became dominant. I want some crazy shit like this to happen in real life this year.

The Ballad of John Lugo is my favorite of these fictional stories. Lugo was a talented middle linebacker at Pitt before becoming a deranged, violent crazy person. Early in the season he's ejected from a game and then suspended for punching another player.


And then a few weeks later he commits what is only referred to as a "violent attack" on a Boston College player. What happened? Did he take off this kid's helmet and beat him with it? Did he dropkick him? Did he bring a knife onto the field?

6. Insanity Will Reign

The 49ers are going all the way! Because of Frank Gore's dominance? Nope. Alex Smith will turn into Peyton Manning for the Super Bowl against Pittsburgh. No word whether any pig shit got on his uniform, as a flock of them will be seen flying over the stadium.


The real craziness will happen when Tony Gonzalez signs a six year deal in Atlanta. This would make him the first tight end to be elegible for Social Security while still playing pro football (probably). The twelve Falcons fans will be so pissed. I, on the other hand, will never stop laughing.

7. Skip Bayless Will Be A Jackass

Some people hate Skip, but the world needs villains and he's among the best (alongside people like Kristen Stewart and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). I hope he doesn't soften this year. Madden doesn't think he will.

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