1. The Curve Breaker
The Curve Breaker sucks, and not because he or she is smart. Smart people are great. But The Curve Breaker has decided that it is not enough to succeed, but others must fail. The Curve Breaker will judge you when you miss a class and ask what you missed. The Curve Breaker will suck up to the teacher by doing extra projects throughout the semester that make you look lazy. And oh yeah, The Curve Breaker will break curves. EVERYONE HATES THIS KID. You do not want to be this kid.
2. The “I Got So Drunk Last Night” Guy
It’s college. Everyone is drunk all the time. Hell I’m drunk right now, and I’ve been out of school for years! Do I brag about it? No! I just have fun with friends, make self-destructive decisions with women, and quietly consider the benefits of 12-step programs, LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO!
I know you think it seems cool to talk about now, but it’s not cool. It sounds desperate. Like when junior high kids start swearing but haven’t quite mastered their technique yet. Do you think an 11-year-old calling someone a “shit ass” makes them sound cool? This is just like that.
3. The Dorm Room Tony Montana
First off, you don’t look like this. You look a gangly awkward kid whose older brother gave you a little weed as a “going away to college” present. Stop trying to turn that into a business. When you’re out of school (or at least out of the dorms) and you want to deal drugs, that may work. But right now, setting up an apothecary in (Insert University President’s Name Here) Hall is a bad idea. It won’t work. It may be fine now, but if you get successful that will be your downfall. You may think you’re popular because of it, but that will only last as long as the drugs do. Now stop spending so much at Best Buy and walking around like you’re on The Wire. Omar’s not coming for you, but he would probably laugh at you.
4. The “I Can’t Believe You Haven’t Seen/Heard/Played X” Guy
I’m sad to say that I was totally this guy for a while. If I met a friend, and it would come up in conversation that they had never seen Casablanca (or The Apartment, or The Third Man, etc.) I would go off into a monologue that went something like this: “You haven’t seen Casablanca?! Why not? Oh you have to see it this week. I can’t believe you haven’t seen it! It’s one the greatest movie in history. You’re not one of those ‘I hate black and white movies’ people are you?…” And so on. I sucked.
But then, I met my friend Jackie who set me straight. She told me that we shouldn’t be judgmental of people who haven’t experienced the wonderful things we love. We should be jealous. Because they still get to experience them for the first time. Bogart telling Bergman that they’ll always have Paris. Orson Welles dropping the snow globe. Jack Lemmon telling us what it is to be a mensch. It’s all still ahead of them.
This is all to say, don’t be a dick about it.
5. TOA (The Over-Abbreviator)
Obviously, we here at BuzzFeed are okay with Internet abbreviations, but bringing them fully into speech? I have to put my foot down. Walking down your hall, you’ll hear The Over-Abbreviator saying something like this: “OMG, my BFF and I were legit at H&M (Ed Note: That one is okay) when this guy was like obvi looking at us and we were like WTF.” This person is the worst person on the planet. Do you want to be the worst person on the planet? I didn’t think so. Avoid at all costs.
6. The Clubbing Guy/Girl
If you like going to clubs for fun, that’s fine. Go every so often. But it’s a crappy culture to throw yourself fully into, and no one will take you seriously. Whether you’re like the hoochies in the above picture (that’s not sexist, that’s a photo from Oxygen Channel’s “Bad Girl’s Club,” hoochie is the scientifically correct word) or you look like one of the asshole guys from the Jersey Shore there is only so much shallowness one person can take. This type of lifestyle will make you OD on it.
And though that may make you popular at the local discotheque, everyone else will think you’re lame and superficial.
You’re in college, there are hundreds of different types of places to go. Find some balance.
7. The Star Fucker
At many schools throughout our great nation this is a major issue. A member of the student body is somewhat famous, and therefore everyone wants to be his or her friend/fling/whatever. Whether they’re in movies, great athletes, or the child of some celebrity, people will be drawn to them for their name recognition. Now this is not to say that you shouldn’t be friends with these people. I’m sure many of them are awesome. But you shouldn’t cultivate a friendship because you want to say you’re friends with an Olsen Twin. The people who talk about how tight they are with famous people are obnoxious and reek of desperation. Plus who wants to be Turtle from Entourage?
8. The Dangerous Masturbator
Don’t be the roommate who stealthily tries to masturbate while his or her roommates are sleeping. Go to the bathroom or wait until you have privacy. Nobody wants to wake up hearing “fap fap fap” or “shlick shlick shlick” coming from across the room.
9. The “Goes Home Every Weekend” Guy
10. The Showtunes Girl
We get it. You LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Wicked. You know every word to Rent. Stop telling us about it. Stop singing it at the top of your lungs. Stop painting our room Elphaba green. I’m not even sure you are allowed to paint our room. This is not to say that liking showtunes is bad. I love Stephen Sondheim in a meaningful way, but come on. There’s a fine, fine line between passion and obsession. Crossing it is incredibly obnoxious.
11. The Overly Specific Question Guy/Girl
This guy or girl will drive you crazy by asking the professor very specific questions about his or her own essays that are very clearly not applicable to anyone else in the class. They will wait to do this until the professor has hinted that she might let the class go early, but not before she sees if anyone has any questions. These people will make you want to strangle them. Unless you are one of them. Then fuck you.
A good rule of thumb, never ask a question of a professor in the full class setting unless you believe that the answer might be helpful to more than just you. Otherwise, just approach them after class. That way people won’t plot your death.
12. Finance Majors
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