EDITOR'S NOTE: I excerpted this piece without excerpting the entire note that Mara included at the end. In addition to noting that White had not written this himself she wrote, "Additionally, a friend recently pointed out that this was reminiscent of the story Front Row With Thaddeus Bristol. While I love David Sedaris, I do not recall ever reading that particular story, and any similarities are completely unintentional. Sometimes two different people just have a similar idea." Let the record show that Mara acknowledged this prior to the piece's publishing, and I excluded it as I felt the pieces were different enough as to not warrant it. -JP Moore
You can read more from Mara on her website.