back to top

How To Handle Being Left Off The Olympic Team: A Guide By David Beckham

Kicking balls at refs. Scaring mascots. Being a douche. Posh must be so embarrassed today.

Posted on

Step One: Be Left Off Your Nation's Olympic Team

This is an obvious prerequisite, otherwise this post would just be called "How To Be A Douche For No Reason: A Guide By David Beckham," and honestly I'm not sure the Internet could hold a post as long as that one would have to be.

Step Two: Lose To The Surprise Stars Of The 2012 MLS Season

After not qualifying for the playoffs last year, the San Jose Earthquakes have been the surprise— WHATEVER. Like anyone cares. The fact is one team had Landon Donovan and David Beckham (The Galaxy) and the other team (The Earthquakes) did not. Forget their records this year, that's embarrassing.

Step Three: Be A Douche, Kick The Ball At The Ref (Or At Sam Cronin)

You have to give him credit. People talk shit about how Beckham is past his prime, and he obviously is. I mean, he's playing in the MLS, and even though the league is improving it's still a joke. I swear any time an actual European soccer commentator has to say the names of one of these teams, I think part of his soul dies (see Darke, Ian).

Yet all that said, the accuracy on display here is incredible.


Step Five: Receive Bonus Points For Looking Like A Crazy Confederate General

On the official Anthony Hopkins Hierarchy of Scary Faces, this look is just below Hannibal Lector and just above Richard Nixon. (In case you're wondering, the scariest face is the one Anthony Hopkins gave his agent when he saw the final cut of The Rite.)

Step Six: Randomly Push Some Guy With Carlos Valderrama's Hair

Sources tell me that Beckham wasn't even mad at this guy, he just has a rare disease where he can't pass someone with hair that absurd without pushing him. It's called "Anderson VarjOW OW STOP PUSHING ME"-itis.

Step Seven:Make Sure You Have A Good Blocker So You Don't Actually Have To Fight

Soccer players don't want to actually fight. Like baseball players, these confrontations are theatrical events where everyone gets to pretend like they're hard. That's why Marcelo is the star here. He keeps Becks from having to stay in the fray for too long.

The Video

View this video on YouTube