The sworn enemy of non-sports-fan significant others everywhere, The Unclean Shirt, and its cousin The Unclean Hat — or in terrible cases The Unclean Underwear — is a gambit employed by only the most desperate. It takes the saddest side effect of sports-induced depression (living in one's own filth) and tries to recontextualize it into a positive. In order from most acceptable to least:
•The Unclean Shirt: Relatively acceptable provided that one also wears an undershirt and that The Unclean Shirt is only worn for the game itself.
Verdict: Can be used for most games.
•The Unclean Hat: Head sweat is among the grossest kinds of sweat, and a hat that has soaked up so much of it that it's begun to change colors is going to be pretty gross.
Verdict: Should be reserved for big games.
•The Unclean Underwear: The least acceptable, but also the least detectable. If head sweat is among the grossest kinds of sweat, crotch sweat is [Keith Jackson voice] the grandaddy of 'em all. When you employ The Unclean Underwear, you are taking the chance that even fellow fans will find you genuinely disgusting.
Verdict: Acceptable for rivalry games and conference/league championships ONLY.