I have a secret. And I have to tell someone. But I cannot tell the demonic legions. Well, I could, but the amount of time I would spend punishing them for snickering would greatly reduce my relief at unburdening myself.
So that leaves you. Now, some of you might laugh. I know humans too well to believe otherwise. But before you do, just remember, my dears, that just like Santa Claus. . . I know when you are sleeping . . .and I know when you've been bad.
Oh, yes! I am more or less omniscient. Not like the Big Guy but, still, doesn't that just send chills up your spine? Wonderful spasms of sheer terror? Good, my darlings, good. I like to establish the playing field before I start the game.
And now for my secret.
I have taken a lover.
2. "Take Me Into Your Ark"
Jesus' eyes widened an imperceptible amount as he took in the sight of Noah, naked, before him.
Fumbling for something witty, he said, "So the ark's not the only bit of wood my father gave you."
Noah grinned – his grey eyes flashing in lust. "Your father isn't the only one who gives me wood."
Jesus laughed. "I can see that."
3. "God x Jesus"
One day in Heaven God was feeling very horny. He was too tired to masturbate though. "Hmm" thought God "what a predicament". Then it struck him. He was all powerful, he didn't have to manually get himself off. He could make a sex slave! So then God went down to the earth and tried to find a good woman to bear an offspring. He went to a stable. Suddenly...Mary was there! Her husband Joseph had left. "Perfect" thought God "A young defenceless virgin girl she will make a good child bearer" then God went down and raped Mary. "if you tell anyone I'll fucking kill you" god muttered to her. Mary nodded, terrified. 9 months later a baby Jesus was born. God came down to claim him.
One of the Catholics wasn't so gracious himself, though. He didn't feel like arguing with Gawkins, but just felt he had to express his anger. So, he grabbed a megaphone, ran to the stage and shouted, "Dr. Gawkins... I hope you get hit by a church van and you die slowly. Yeah, fuck you. Hell is real and you're going there, you big fat moron!" Then, before the guards could catch him, he ran away and was out of sight.
Gawkins and his supporters merely laughed, while the other religious felt embarrassed about their fellow Catholic. They shook their heads in shame.
Only one Catholic smiled with the atheists: Cardinal Joseph Razzing.
That evening, Gawkins decided to have a sightseeing walk in Vatican City. He was on his own, going around, taking pictures and occasionally writing notes about the local zoology. Sometimes, people would approach him for a chit-chat or a photo op. Gawkins happily obliged.
Suddenly, from a blind corner, a Vatican van zoomed and slammed into the sidewalk and smashed directly at Gawkins, killing the atheist scientist immediately
5. "Happy Anniversary"
Rachel woke up to soft kisses being placed on her cheeks and her neck. She smiled, knowing exactly who it was.
"Goodmorning Jacob." She said with a smile spread across her face.
"Morning my love. Do you know what today is?" He asked, a big smile spreading across his face.
"I think I have an idea." She said, with a seductive voice.
He laughed a little and she got out of bed, "Happy Anniversary."
They ran wild, like madwomen, shrieking among the trees. Lilith tore out the throat of a rat with her teeth and daubed the blood on the woman's face, and the woman laughed and shook her hair and howled like a jackal. They were full of lust and feeling and life.
Lilith caught the woman's hands, and pulled her close, kissed her open-mouthed again. Her voice was dark, a whisper. "You could be like this forever," Lilith said, and the woman trembled, on the verge of crying out.
Pulling away, Lilith flung her robes off and her head back, spreading out her arms. Under the light of the moon, she was splendid in her nakedness, and the woman stood and stared in awe at the perfection of her body, shaped from clay and not from ribs.
"Tonight," Lilith cried, "We are one."
The Magdalene stepped into the light. She was all frown, smoldering eyes, hunted animal. Tonight was not a good night.
"Stand up straight," said Tehilla, voice shaking slightly. "Pinch your cheeks. Come now, girl, why the pout? You know how to take care of yourself."
"Don't you understand?" she cried, a bit too loudly for Tehilla's liking. She was becoming unhinged. "I don't want this! My worst nightmares have become reality, all at my own hand, without me knowing how! If I am the devil's slave, I receive not a morsel of pity or sympathy but am exploited, like some deformed animal, and raped, day in and day out..."
"Enough." Tehilla's lips tightened. "Pull yourself together." She waved her finger warningly. "Or you'll be in for the worse."
"Worse than I am now?" The Magdalene girl laughed bitterly. "I have nothing to lose."
8. "The Lost Testament"
Death was the perfect cover for the perfect murder. Who would expect the dead to avenge themselves? No one, that's who. Jesus Christ was the dead man, God, his own father had let it happen. Jesus knew what must be done.
9. "The Meeting"
"I'll be safe enough. Sleep. Rest. You will need your strenght tomorrow."
I mean something entirely different by my words than he does, but he doesn't notice. His eyes close, and he also drifts off.
I get to my feet and look at them, the drunken bunch around the blanket spread out on the grass. I love them all. Even the one that left, although I find that hard to beleive.
The small device in the pocket of my robe vibrates silently against my leg. The time of contact is near, and I empty my cup. I take one last look at the sleeping men and walk into the darkness under the trees. Soon, I reach a small cliff, which I climb effortlessly, enjoying my body's strength and agility.
10. "My Dark Angel"
Lilith stared across at Ariel, her lip was bleeding, but other than that she looked okay. But internally she was bleeding and ready to die. Her vision blurred slightly but she staggered forward. "You little bitch, you come down here asking for a fight that I am not even ready for and you expect me to die?" She paused to spit out some blood in her mouth. "Sadly you will be the one instead." With that said Lilith lunged forward and bit down on Ariel's neck. The angel who was not all that better either, screamed and fell back, Lilith landing on top of her. As Lilith drank her blood she started to heal and with one last gulp she pulled back, her mouth covered in Ariel's blood. Ariel stared up at Lilith in shock and pain.