1. McKayla Maroney — Gymnastics
If McKayla Maroney doesn’t get a reality show, then I will have lost all faith in the institution that is American Reality TV, and wouldn’t that be a shame. Maroney is talented, funny, charismatic, and is the owner of one of the all-time greatest bitch faces in history. I want to see what her high school is like: Is she the queen bee? Is she a dork? I don’t know, and it’s reality TV’s job to tell me.
2. Ryan Lochte — Swimming
Is Ryan Lochte the biggest douchebag in Olympic history? Probably not; there have been a lot of people in Olympics. Stephon Marbury, for example. But regardless, Lochte is a douche, and I want to see him and his douche travels. He should host a No Reservations style show. Ryan Lochte “Jeah-ing” his way through Pakistan? Who wouldn’t watch that?
3. Usain Bolt — Track
Would anyone be opposed to track and field becoming the fifth major sport (after football, basketball, baseball, and soccer)? I want to see Usain Bolt race every weekend. No? Can’t do that? Can we have Usain race things? I want to see him race a train. Maybe an antelope. More Usain please.
4. Mo Farah — Track
Mo Farah captured the hearts of Great Britain with his two gold medals and his “M” pose when he celebrated his wins, making him the rarest of things: a distance runner who is as badass about winning as a sprinter. Can’t we follow his training regiment for 2016? He has an adorable daughter named Rihanna. She’s precocious!
5. Tom Daley — Diving
British diver Tom Daley answered a question many of us had: what would it be like if a member of One Direction won an Olympic medal? (I’m sure someone was wondering that.) A Daley-centric show could be like if Laguna Beach went to London and had a baby with a diving-focused Friday Night Lights. Get on it, BBC.
6. Sanya Richards-Ross — Track
Sanya Richards-Ross won gold and is married to Super Bowl champion cornerback Aaron Ross. That is a successful, attractive couple. If the entertainment-industrial complex can’t find something for them to do on TV, I’d be shocked.
7. Dong Dong — Trampoline
His name is Dong Dong. You could make a TV show where he sat still and stared directly into the camera for 45 minutes, but as long as he had to say his name once in a while I’d be happy. Hell, just put it on the screen in a chyron. It’d still be the highest rated show on NBC.
8. Robert Forstemann — Cycling
German cyclist Robert Forstemann (right) has giant quads. His show would be called What’s Bigger A (Insert Giant Things Here) Or Robert’s Quads? It’s too bad the FOX of Man vs. Beast is gone. They totally would have greenlighted this already.
9. Marko Novakovic — Kayak
In week four of What’s Bigger…? Robert’s calves will face Serbian Olympian Marko Novakovic’s arms. It’s a toss up.
10. All Of Handball
The United States needs professional handball. We need it now. If these Olympics have taught us anything, it’s that Ryan Lochte is a douche. But if they’ve taught us two things, it’s that Lochte is a douche and that handball is like basketball and soccer’s fast-paced, violent baby.
- The Army Corps of Engineers and North Dakota police have ordered protesters to leave the Dakota Access Pipeline site by this afternoon or face arrest.
- Seven Earth-sized planets that could have water and possibly sustain life have been discovered orbiting a dwarf star, NASA announced today.
- The ACLU is suing the city of Milwaukee and its police for allegedly performing thousands of illegal stop-and-frisk searches that targeted minorities.
- #Peggygate: West Elm offers full refunds for the notoriously disintegrating Peggy Couch days after pulling it from its website and stores👏