Dear Stephanie and Jeremy, you don't know me but I more than know you.
I was watching when you first met on a TV show last year, I cringed as you cheated on the bloke you'd left behind Steph and I've been saddened to see your 'brand' slip from entertaining to embarrassing to just uncomfortable. To be honest, at one point your first pregnancy was so heavily pushed on the public I thought I could've been the dad myself.
But now as you make a mockery of domestic violence, continue your petty point scoring by each playing the victim in the press and plan to bring a second innocent life into this world – it's time to just shut up, piss off and sort your shit out.
At first I was obsessed with your unconventional love story. Romeo and Juilet that already had a boyfriend. It was the car crash you couldn't help but stare at and ratings gold for Channel 5. But since then the pair of you have become a pin-up of everything that's wrong with the world today.
Loose-moraled, loud, vain, vacuous and seemingly stupid? In just 18 months your romance rivals most great fiction. There's been breakups, breakdowns, abuse, addiction, arrests, cheating, tweeting, paternity tests, TV tears, photoshoots, cover stories and even accusations of plotting to kill. Barely believable unless you've followed it from the start - and still hard to comprehend.
In my opinion you've become the victims of your own carefully constructed PR master plan that has gone horribly wrong. Constantly looking for column inches and trapped in the monster you helped create.
There's no denying that celebrities play out their problems as publicly as possible for their own gain, but at what cost? Because as you both now trivialise domestic violence by posing for pictures boasting your bruises and allowing your previously minor problems to become tax-payer funded legal matters - it hardly seems worth whatever the mags are paying for the latest interview?
So my advice to you both: delete all social media, stay away from each other and stop selling your 'side of the story' to the highest bidder. You don't need a platform for your problems, you need a fucking psychiatrist. It's obvious you'll never have the happy ending you both seem to believe you're destined for - so just stop trying. Minimal interaction and arranged visitation through an impartial third party while you still have a say in that matter seems the best solution.
I ask you this for the sake of your child, the sake of the general public and your own health and happiness.
A truly bored - and concerned - follower of popular culture.