Uncle Clifford's Rules Aren't Just For The Pynk. Here Are 17 Ways We Can Use Them Everyday

    Unlce Clifford's rules for The Pynk are real-life lessons.

    Josh Rodgers
    by Josh Rodgers

    BuzzFeed Contributor

    P-Valley may have made us wait long for this current season’s return, but they have been knee-deep in their duffle bag since Episode 1 dropped. So far, some exciting developments in the storyline have me glued to the TV.

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    One thing that has remained constant is Uncle Clifford’s rules. I still have no idea how the number system on these works, but that doesn’t discount their value. Let’s take a deep dive into the homegrown way The Pynk operates.

    Rule #.0025 (Twanky-Five) — “Wear Yall Mu’Fuckin Mask”

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    COVID-19 has impacted everything, and many television shows have found ways to incorporate them into their narratives. With “legs and hips and body” (shout to Kandi Burrus) swinging everywhere, this rule seems to be a reliable measure of precaution for all involved.

    Rule #1 — “Let That Stage Be a Stepping Stone, Not Yo Tombstone”

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    There are countless real-life stories about strippers who entered the industry to help fund or support a different life goal. Also, outside of strip culture, I think Uncle Clifford’s advice is universal. Don’t become a prisoner to what you do; leverage it to elevate yourself.

    Rule #2 — “Always Know Where The Exit in This Bitch is, Cause You Never Know When You Gotsta Turn a Window Into a Door”

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    It’s pretty wise advice to be aware of all entrances and exits in any place you visit. You need to implement your internal escape plane quickly if something goes down. Remember one of the Black culture rules: we run first and ask questions later.

    Rule #4 (Fo) — “You a Hoe, You Out The Do”

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    We don’t shame sex workers, but Uncle Clifford wants The Pynk to only be about dancing and the idea of sex. That’s it. Real-world takeaway: establish boundaries and stick to them.

    Rule #7.5 — “No Witnesses”

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    You’re innocent until proven guilty, so witnesses are pretty important. However, a person can’t distort a story if no one is there to see anything. Use caution and implement this rule at your own risk.

    Rule #24.5 — “No Crying at The Pynk”

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    I encourage everyone to emote, but I will admit certain environments require a specific type of control. However, let’s not ever confuse crying with weakness.

    Rule #45.22 — “Leave Your Baby Daddy Drama at Home, Especially if His Ass is White”

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    Successful co-parenting is an art, and some people haven’t mastered it. It’s life; personalities clash, feelings change, and disagreements occur. It’s a good practice to keep your personal life away from your professional life. And, it’s an even better practice to do so if all is not copasetic. Regarding the race of your co-parent – P-Valley is based in a fictional deep-south town. I think you get the nuance there.

    Rule #54 — “We Don’t Do Tax Evasion”

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    Taxes are the bane of adulthood, but it is the law of the land. Pay your taxes and save yourself a headache in the long run.

    Rule #55.99 — Even When There Ain’t No Money Raining, Dance Like Tonight’s Your Last Night”

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    Give it your best every single time. All it takes is that one person or moment for everything to pop off in the best of ways. Give them the Mercedes experience, fam!

    Rule #57 — “No Coins In the G-String. Only Dollars”

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    Change spends the same as paper money, but who wants to deal with the hassle of carrying coins? In the world of digital currencies and paperless transactions, if you have to use traditional forms of payment, use the ones that fold, not the ones that jingle.

    Rule #67 — “Contrary to Chucalissa Belief, Ain’t No Hoes In This House”

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    It seems to me that Uncle Clifford wants the world to know that the assumed perception of an environment does not dictate the quality of the people in it. Also, refer back to rule and life lesson number “fo.”

    Rule #92 — “Life is Like Cocaine, It Can Be Blowed At Any Time”

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    Let’s be clear – I don’t believe Uncle Clifford is minimizing the effects of drug use. However, like the sensitive nature of certain substances, life can vanish at any moment. Time is a vapor, and we have to maximize every moment of that time we have.

    Rule #100.75 — “A Pot of Hog Maws Gotta Simmer in That Pot All Day In Order To Be Any Damn Good”

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    I am from Memphis, TN — P-Valley has a ton of Memphis references — and one thing common in Memphis and other southern cities is the appreciation of southern delicacies like hog maws. Many are disgusted by the thought of them. But, when prepared well, they are pretty amazing. The key, however, is that they must be cooked long and slow to reach optimal value. The life lesson beyond the cooking lesson here, most really good things take time.

    Rule #934 — “Sometimes You Gotta Rock That Half-Human, Half-Synthetic Lace Front”

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    Okay, this one stumped me. On the other end, it can be interpreted as being able to take one for the team (within reason) for the show to go on. Yeah, I don’t know.

    Rule #1,729 — “Closed Legs Still Get Fed”

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    Again, we don’t shame sex workers or condemn consenting human sexual interaction. Nevertheless, sex isn’t the only way to get a bag.

    Rule #29,763 — “You Better Be Careful Who You Let Through the Door, Cuz You Can’t Save Every Single Hoe”

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    Southern rap group Three 6 Mafia has a song entitled, "Don’t Save Her." In it, they describe how “salvation” must be desired. You can’t want to help someone more than they want to be helped. Unfortunately, not everyone desires the resources you offer.

    Rule #1M — “Ain’t No Titties on the Main Stage”

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    Again, boundaries. There are some things you may permit, but maybe they’re not permissible in every environment. As the captain of your ship of life, know when and where you want to hang loose.

    Uncle Clifford's rules can be universal and real interpretation is left to the user. Are there any rules you would suggest for The Pynk or real life?

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