I'm celibate.Yes, always.Sometimes, sure.No, never.
YesNoI don't know
Yes, regularlySometimesI did, but not anymoreNever
Anything and everything, wheneverI eat until I'm full, and sometimes pig outI'm a vegetarian/veganWho has time to eat?
Never1-2 times a week3-4 times a week5+ times a week
I'm an optimist. Things usually work out okay!I'm a pessimist. Bad things always happen.I'm a realist. Things aren't good or bad, they just are.Other
ISTJISTPISFJINFPENTJESFPESTJINFJOther/I don't know what this is
North EastMid AtlanticSouthMidwestGreat PlainsSouthwestRocky Mountain RegionWest CoastI don't live in America.
How Will You Die?
You will be devoured by piranhas, a species of omnivorous freshwater fish known for their razor-sharp teeth and insatiable appetite for flesh. Because you will be torn into thousands of tiny, bite-sized pieces, your corpse will not be buried, but years later uncontacted tribespeople will use your bones, found downriver, as part of a spiritual rite, completing the prophesied Amazonian chain of blood.
You will be disemboweled by the hook-handed maniac. What starts as an erotic night of steamy pleasures in your lover's Cadillac on top of Misty Kiss Point turns into purest terror as you are stalked and eventually gutted by the mask-faced maniac who has been terrorizing these parts for years.
You will be suffocated by existential dread. An unbearable sense of the sheer pointlessness of it all, once tamped down by booze, drugs, and the occasional, ultimately meaningless sexual release, eventually becomes too much, and the dread grip of ultimate meaninglessness seizes your throat, crushing you into the void.
You will be crushed after turning, one morning, into a cockroach. Though you will, horrified by your strange transmogrification, hide in your bedroom curtains and in an old shoebox, a member of your family will find you, scream, and reflexively crush you.
You will be drowned by Pennywise the Clown, the most common manifestation of the centuries-old evil known among the older generations only as "It". Pennywise will entice you to peek into a sewer grate or storm drain with promises of balloons, candy, and general merriment, and as soon as you draw near enough, he will drag you down into the sewers, drown you, and add you to his collection of floating children
You will be stoned to death by the villagers after you draw the short straw at the annual lottery. Why you? Why does the lottery exist? Why is your family viciously hurling stones at you, abrading your face and arms? These will be among the questions you ask yourself as you depart this mortal coil.
You will be trampled to death during one of the major violent proletarian uprisings during the coming Revolution. Whether intentionally trampled for your bourgeois sympathies or accidentally trampled because you are sort of a klutz, you will nonetheless be stepped on until you die by thousands of raging workers.
You will be boiled alive by cannibals. Though their recipe calls for the blood of a Christian virgin, the cannibal tribe will make do with you. They will capture you in a net, truss you to a log, carry you to a giant cauldron, and toss you in, where you will be boiled, stewed in your own juices, and served from a large communal trough.
You will be emtombed and left to die by "your friend", Montresor. Though you have nothing but good feelings for Montresor, one day, during a party, he will lead you down into the catacombs beneath his estate under the pretense of sampling a rare and delicious desert wine. Once you are intoxicated, Montresor will chain you to a wall and gradually immure you.
Joe Bernstein is a senior technology reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Bernstein reports on and writes about the gaming industry and web culture.
Contact Joseph Bernstein at email@example.com.
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