Tech

How Will You Die?

Advances in prediction metrics have allowed us to forecast with much greater accuracy your most likely cause of death. Answer this short questionnaire to find out...if you dare!

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  1. How many alcoholic drinks do you have in an average week?

    0-2
    3-6
    7-10
    11+
  2. Do you practice safe sex?

    I'm celibate.
    Yes, always.
    Sometimes, sure.
    No, never.
  3. Is there a history of heart disease in your family?

    Yes
    No
    I don't know
  4. Do you use cocaine?

    Yes, regularly
    Sometimes
    I did, but not anymore
    Never
  5. How many of your grandparents lived past the age of 75?

    Zero
    1
    2
    3
    4
  6. Which of these answers best describes your diet?

    Anything and everything, whenever
    I eat until I'm full, and sometimes pig out
    I'm a vegetarian/vegan
    Who has time to eat?
  7. How often do you exercise?

    Never
    1-2 times a week
    3-4 times a week
    5+ times a week
  8. Which of these best describes your basic outlook on life?

    I'm an optimist. Things usually work out okay!
    I'm a pessimist. Bad things always happen.
    I'm a realist. Things aren't good or bad, they just are.
    Other
  9. What is your Meyers-Briggs Personality Type?

    Via thebullbustercafe.com
    ISTJ
    ISTP
    ISFJ
    INFP
    ENTJ
    ESFP
    ESTJ
    INFJ
    Other/I don't know what this is
  10. What region of America do you live in?

    North East
    Mid Atlantic
    South
    Midwest
    Great Plains
    Southwest
    Rocky Mountain Region
    West Coast
    I don't live in America.

How Will You Die?

You got: Devoured by Piranhas

You will be devoured by piranhas, a species of omnivorous freshwater fish known for their razor-sharp teeth and insatiable appetite for flesh. Because you will be torn into thousands of tiny, bite-sized pieces, your corpse will not be buried, but years later uncontacted tribespeople will use your bones, found downriver, as part of a spiritual rite, completing the prophesied Amazonian chain of blood.

Devoured by Piranhas
Via wordpress.com
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You got: Eviscerated by the Hook-Handed Maniac

You will be disemboweled by the hook-handed maniac. What starts as an erotic night of steamy pleasures in your lover's Cadillac on top of Misty Kiss Point turns into purest terror as you are stalked and eventually gutted by the mask-faced maniac who has been terrorizing these parts for years.

Eviscerated by the Hook-Handed Maniac
Via scaryforkids.com
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You got: Suffocated by Existential Dread

You will be suffocated by existential dread. An unbearable sense of the sheer pointlessness of it all, once tamped down by booze, drugs, and the occasional, ultimately meaningless sexual release, eventually becomes too much, and the dread grip of ultimate meaninglessness seizes your throat, crushing you into the void.

Suffocated by Existential Dread
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You got: Crushed after Turning Into A Cockroach

You will be crushed after turning, one morning, into a cockroach. Though you will, horrified by your strange transmogrification, hide in your bedroom curtains and in an old shoebox, a member of your family will find you, scream, and reflexively crush you.

Crushed after Turning Into A Cockroach
Via blogger.com
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You got: Drowned by Pennywise the Clown

You will be drowned by Pennywise the Clown, the most common manifestation of the centuries-old evil known among the older generations only as "It". Pennywise will entice you to peek into a sewer grate or storm drain with promises of balloons, candy, and general merriment, and as soon as you draw near enough, he will drag you down into the sewers, drown you, and add you to his collection of floating children

Drowned by Pennywise the Clown
Via akmayhew.com
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You got: Stoned to Death After Losing the Lottery

You will be stoned to death by the villagers after you draw the short straw at the annual lottery. Why you? Why does the lottery exist? Why is your family viciously hurling stones at you, abrading your face and arms? These will be among the questions you ask yourself as you depart this mortal coil.

Stoned to Death After Losing the Lottery
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You got: Trampled During the Revolution

You will be trampled to death during one of the major violent proletarian uprisings during the coming Revolution. Whether intentionally trampled for your bourgeois sympathies or accidentally trampled because you are sort of a klutz, you will nonetheless be stepped on until you die by thousands of raging workers.

Trampled During the Revolution
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You got: Boiled Alive by Cannibals

You will be boiled alive by cannibals. Though their recipe calls for the blood of a Christian virgin, the cannibal tribe will make do with you. They will capture you in a net, truss you to a log, carry you to a giant cauldron, and toss you in, where you will be boiled, stewed in your own juices, and served from a large communal trough.

Boiled Alive by Cannibals
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You got: Entombed Alive by "Your Friend", Montresor

You will be emtombed and left to die by "your friend", Montresor. Though you have nothing but good feelings for Montresor, one day, during a party, he will lead you down into the catacombs beneath his estate under the pretense of sampling a rare and delicious desert wine. Once you are intoxicated, Montresor will chain you to a wall and gradually immure you.

Entombed Alive by "Your Friend", Montresor
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Joe Bernstein is a senior technology reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Bernstein reports on and writes about the gaming industry and web culture.

Contact Joseph Bernstein at joe.bernstein@buzzfeed.com.

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