"You need to hire a guy who is at least 400 pounds. He is your bodyguard. Granted, he doesn’t look like he could move quickly or do anything of any activity, but he is going to be your sole protector. He seems intimidating. You need that 400 pound guy that can waddle with you. You need to make sure that when you hire him, he brings his own stool, because he cannot stand for more than a few hours.
You definitely need a person who dresses like you and acts like you and only tweets to you. I call that person the superfan, the SWF, the single white female. You need that person in the mix. You need to show that you are a relatable, down to earth person, and you do have friends, and they do care about you, even though it’s hard to distinguish between you and them.
It’s an overused one but a good one: You need to have a baby in that mix. And that baby needs to be talented. Ideally, if you’re a woman you don’t want to have that baby, so you’ll have to make up a story about how it was left on your doorstep or you have a crazy sister. If you’re a dude, you can say your ex-girlfriend died, it makes you very sympathetic. And if the baby has talent, it’s super cute, because then you can put it in costumes, and when you go out and get the photo-op, the baby can breakdance or do something cute for TMZ."