John Oliver spoke with BuzzFeed and divulged his deepest, darkest, absolutely, undeniably true secrets. Have you properly prepared yourself?
“It would just take a couple of mass murders in the Royal Family and their descendants to suddenly kick it my way. I just need 373 people dead or out of the country and abdicated; it’s their choice.”
“It was on the off chance if Portugal ever invaded, my family wanted me to be ready. I went to a special Portuguese school for British cowards, people who would, rather than fight any invasion, were just going to learn their language. You could learn any language. I just thought Portugal was the most imminent threat. I’ve been proven to be wrong, but I thought they were so good at making custard tarts, that if you could make a custard tart that good, you’re bound to be able to build a world-dominating military. I still think they’re a sleeping giant.”
“It’s very important to learn self-defense. I learned from Mr. Miyagi. I tracked him down, and he made me paint his house. And so as far as I’m concerned, I think that means I’m a fully qualified black belt now. All I know is that that house got painted.”
“I specialize in making horses slower. I’m not in particular demand. I basically just try to whisper a sense of perspective to horses. I say, ‘What on earth are you doing? There’s no good end to you running as fast as you can. Stop and enjoy life a little more.’ I’m an existential horse whisperer. Everything is directed to run as fast as they can, and what I’m saying is be the best horse you could be, and that might not be speed-based. It could just be eating grass. It’s not up to me to make that horse’s journey for it.
“I’d whispered to horses before, just kind of, ‘Oh, what’s up? How’s it going? What’s it like being a horse?’ But that was more like interviewing a horse. But now I’m more like the Tony Robbins of the equine world. Now what I do is I have one of those Tony Robbins wraparound microphones and I go to the stables and I tell the horses the seven secrets of success. Which is one, don’t die, and two, don’t get turned into glue. And then I just fill out the rest of the five.”
“There’s no taste like the thrill of extinction. So favorite foods would be polar bear burger, saber-toothed tiger omelet. It’s the empire gene in me; I long for the taste of destruction.”
“I’m like Mr. Burns in The Simpsons. I have every single disease ever on record to man that are [in] perfect synthesis with each other. It’s the Mr. Burns model of medicine. It’s the ones that aren’t around anymore that are the real thrills. Occasionally you get a little bit of plague come through; that’s a different kind of cough.”
“Stalin was an incredibly effective man manager. And every single Bronco, including Wes Welker. He hasn’t technically played a single game for them yet, but as long as he’s in that Denver Bronco helmet, he’s a hero. Stalin is the greatest quarterback, by the way, that the Denver Broncos never had; it was a contract thing. He exiled his agents to Siberia. He was just infuriated with the CAA sports department.
“He speaks very intimately to the childhood that I had growing up in Bedford, England. You just make a few changes and Springsteen speaks very accurately to British children.”
“It was all over quickly. She saw it as some sort of way to spread the empire at the time. There was something about the very heavily hairsprayed bouffant hairstyle which I’ve never fully managed to get over. She seduced me at the opening of a supermarket. She cut the ribbon, and the next thing I know, she cut my belt with those oversized scissors. Five seconds later, I’m a different man exiting that supermarket than when I went in.”
“I just dissolve, like salt. So it’s very important that I have an umbrella or full bubble suit at all times. You can usually get them at most decent beach resorts because they just don’t want that lawsuit on their hands. You ‘shower’ with industrial air hoses. There are about 24 differently directed jets that just blast the dirt straight off of you, no moisture.”