1.
When I look behind me in line at Whole Foods https://t.co/nVd25n4kkm
2.
me: *hits spider web down with broom* spider: wow me: *puts up fake spider web decorations for Halloween* spider: WOW
3.
me after using “furthermore” in an essay https://t.co/Ml3zq3hsUv
4.
no one: a mushroom:
5.
Me, rsvp’ing for Thanksgiving with family https://t.co/XEWh8eSoTK
6.
Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:
7.
almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday
8.
When you’re using Apple Maps and realize you’ve been walking the wrong direction for two blocks
9.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home* ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I'll need 4 French horns or 5
10.
me: "why does my back always hurt?" my sleeping position: https://t.co/gsbyflNIUl
11.
oh you like history? name everything that's happened
12.
i am glad that high school has not changed
13.
Bitches buy a windbreaker from goodwill for $4 and decide to start a “maddie’s thrift finds” instagram account
14.
when you and your ex said you were gonna get married and now you’ve both blocked eachother on everything
15.
Remember you are someone’s reason to smile. Because you are a joke.
16.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
17.
my girlfriend just added uncooked pasta to cold water and then turned on the stove and when i said that she should boil the water before adding pasta she said “literally all men are the same”
18.
PROS OF COFFEE: -delicious -makes life more tolerable -kills appetite so you can save money -sometimes I have heart palpitations so I could possibly die before having to repay my student loans CONS OF COFFEE: -??? -??? -???
19.
me giving directions to strangers 🤣
20.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
21.
all I see is hummus https://t.co/0zJnA4oqS2
22.
my homophobic aunt staring at me across the table at Thanksgiving
23.
i am 25 and completely burnt out. what am I suppose to do for 50 MORE years? maintain a yard? bitch about traffic? keep buying spinach and watching it die? get oil changes? fucksake
24.
my child, a mere 6 year old, has proposed we add the month of chillember, an entire month where we just chill. so my question for you ms. warren
25.
Me replying to my friends 4 days later
26.
when your girls mad at you but you ask her if she wants to go get something to eat
27.
How They expect you to React When You get an Amber Alert 😂😭😭
28.
no one: married girls on insta: being in love is the HARDEST thing ever but so WORTH IT we fight NONSTOP but we love like CRAZY I fucking HATE my husband but that's just part of being in LOVE true love is DIRTY & HARD but so REWARDING I LOVE doing his LAUNDRY & wiping his ASS
29.
Country music: I’m going to live and die in my hometown :) Pop punk music: I’m going to live and die in my hometown :(
30.
Me and the three other people who don’t want to be at the party on our way to locate the rumoured obese cat in the bedroom
31.
english: thanks italian: grazi spanish: gracias german: danke british: 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙆 𝙔𝙀𝙒