1.
when i bought my giant crystal ball the lady looked me in the eye and said "whatever you do, never EVER leave it uncovered when youre not home" and i said "oh wow because of spirits?" and she said "what? no bc if the sun hits it weird it'll burn down your house" important lesson
2.
Me when God shows me footage of all the times I’ve sinned
3.
They found her old tweets
4.
This is sending me
5.
The Black Plague was a PR disaster for rats as a species. They never truly recovered until 2007 (release of Ratatouille)
6.
My homie said you’re cute lol he kinda shy tho, that’s him over there My homie:
7.
8.
Women: Men are trash! Twitter gays: tea sis! Go awf! Women: That includes you. Twitter gays:
9.
oh my fucking god we have to just keep washing dishes and putting them away and putting more food on them and washing them again over and over again until we die
10.
doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich
11.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
12.
let's make a deal: if we're both single when we're 40 we'll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
13.
thank you
14.
people have one baby and revolve their whole life around it. you’ve known that thing for like a month grow up
15.
This exactly how they got y’all the last time https://t.co/U1ufW4zhwk
16.
Doc: it’s bad Me: how long do I have? Doc: 67 years Me [tearing up]: that’s so long Doc [nods]: way too fuckin long
17.
What she sees vs what I see
18.
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes
19.
I can NOT believe my mom just vibe checked my aunt
20.
Please enjoy my latest email to a very very reputable theatre company
21.
"My father." "Yeah, well, my dad." "Interesting, but my father." "True, but also my dad."
22.
when a random stranger asks me to watch their stuff for them
23.
OMG I don't even know what to do with this!
24.
omg, this is the full movie title? https://t.co/G1IBTCC93A
25.
when you upload your resume, and press next, and still have to type your job experience in, now u don’t even want the job no more
26.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
27.
if you ever hate yourself just remember that last year i hosted thanksgiving for my family and i told them to park in the wrong spot and every single persons car got towed