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1.
Dear girlfriends and wives, pls hang ur wigs where the kids can't reach.... I nearly collapsed last night in my own house.....I thought it was Amardiorha
2.
amazon: we shipped your package! it should deliver by 8pm tomorrow! me, nose pressed against the door, fogging the glass as i breathe: 𝗽𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗱𝗴𝗲
3.
my family going through my phone after i die:
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kids in 2019: when i grow up, im going to... global warming:
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go on girl do your thang
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me serving face in the mirror after crying for three hours straight
7.
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and still isn’t as sensitive as a white man on the Internet
8.
My 2 personalities talking to each other.
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Since hair can’t be preserved in fossils we can’t rule out the possibility that dinosaurs looked like this
11.
me in my room in the dark at 3am tryna figure out whether that’s my jacket or a headless man standing VERY still
12.
my conversations w literally anyone: ⚪️ 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 ⚪️ ⚪️ 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 ⚪️
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so I asked my mom why is she still talking to my old boo and she asked me “why are you still talking to my ex husband?”. Ma’am.. that is my father 😂
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When I find out who has been spending all my money
16.
So you calling my mom a liar?!?! https://t.co/SfQJZOvRZW
17.
my mom comin back in my room and finding me sleeping 5 mins after she woke me up
18.
“could a depressed person do THIS?” she says at 12:15am as she folds her laundry that came out of the dryer six days ago
19.
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Today I had 800 mg of caffeine, exercised for 2 hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and did a facemask. The line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but god do I walk it hard brother
21.
When you’re on a roller coaster and you know the camera is coming up
22.
No one: College Student: 🌳 / 🚘 || \ / || \ "idgaf. if they hit 🌳 / || 🚶🏽♂️ \ me, they hit me” / || \ 🌳 / || \
23.
small mammals after the dinosaurs got wiped out
24.
this customer walked in 10 SECONDS before we CLOSED and she had the audacity to yell “yay i made it” bitch you made what? made me mad?
25.
Imagine trying to sleep but your neighbour's out here tryna create the sun https://t.co/YoVLNc3X5e
26.
nobody: girls with fake nails:
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socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do
28.
My annoying ass being annoying then getting shocked when someone actually gets annoyed.
29.
My brain is like my internet browser. I got like 19 tabs open , three of them are glitching... and where the fuck is that music coming from
30.
all 6 of my brain cells assembling so I can spell necessary
31.
Babies stare a lot for someone who doesn’t know how to fight https://t.co/gN0KUtDPjp
32.
Me leaving the house without eating breakfast, dehydrated, and with 2 hours of sleep
33.
10 million B.C. : Fish: https://t.co/Ys8ga1sU0y
34.
HS teachers: college is NOT a joke a real college exam question i just had: “which doesn’t belong?” A. Ethos B. Pathos C. Logos D. Migos
35.
Nobody: Nobody at all: My mother looking for something to complain about:
36.
"Wow ur so mature for ur age" thanks it was the trauma lol
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happy mother's day to the woman who called the cops on me when she didn't find me in my room sleeping in the middle of the night and thought I snuck out of the house. I was downstairs in the kitchen eating cereal and also 22
39.
high school seniors: omg I’m so excited for college, I’m gonna go out every day !!! actual college students:
40.
yes it does lmao https://t.co/1T0jEWDsmI
41.
Today I thought I saw a woman dressed as a handmaid about to jump from a building. I called 911.
42.
Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"
43.
I edited this with And I oop and I don’t know why but I’m laughing so hard 😭
44.
“you think you can do these things nemo but you just can’t!”
45.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
46.
Your dad small as hell https://t.co/evAcF1NaBx
47.
Me: “Look but don’t make it obvious.” My friends:
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how are people out here with no therapy not taking any prescribed or illicit drugs just raw dogging reality