1.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
2.
Sir, sir, if you con, SIR IF CONTUNUE TO RAISE YOUR VOICE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE SIR.
3.
Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses
4.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
5.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
6.
I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat “Go ahead” Is there a 😭? “There are 14” I’d like to solve. ‘OMG LOL I CAN’T EVEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭’ “You got it”
7.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
8.
me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me
9.
A grandfather clock is just like a regular clock except it wears sandals even though it has disgusting toe nails.
10.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
11.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
12.
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
13.
"You CAN even." - white girl life coach
14.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
15.
CATS: We got a lifetime of naps and belly rubs. What about you? HUMANS: Superior intellect C: Cool what's it for? H: Math and feeling bad
16.
My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
17.
My high-school wrestling coach called me "the raccoon" cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
18.
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
19.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
20.
You think you're pretty okay at doing stuff, and then you try to plug something into an outlet you're not looking directly at.
21.
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
22.
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
23.
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.