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20 Things I Learned Before I Turned Twenty

Double-decades, buddy.

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20. Cut the negativity from your life.

Open the door to the secret chamber behind your toilet and tell all the vapid mages to get out. There's a reason God invented swords. You don't need that dark magic killing your vibe.

19. Learn what makes you, you.

This goes beyond your hobbies and interests, beyond your favorite food or favorite potion, this goes deep. This goes down to the maggots that feast on the food in your stomach, wriggling in digestion. It goes down to the tiny tiny rodents that we all know tickle our toes every single night. Learn them and make them your Own.

18. Today is a bad day, tomorrow will be a good day.

Yesterday was a weird day, last week you died four times, next week you'll be the Biggest on Earth, and maybe a month from now you'll finally be Alan Alda. Patience, my little friend, patience.

17. There is more to life than adjectives.

We've all heard about the adjectives we're supposed to strive to be: "fit," "fashionable," "rich," "successful," "noisy," the list goes on. But why not try some better adjectives? "Abaft," "sable," "gooey," "azymous," or "honorificabilitudinitatibus," are all great places to start.

16. Hold yourself accountable.

In your teens, you could see your ex-best friend's name spelled out in blood on the mirror and not think anything of it. Now you know that if you don't soak at least thirteen minims of that blood into a cheesecloth and wring it out into ground bones and rub the paste into your skin for at least thirteen minutes, your ex-best friend might die. And it's all your fault.

15. Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family.

Yellow bile makes you aggressive, black bile makes you melancholic, and phlegm makes you apathetic.

14. Coffee? No way.

You know that everyone stops drinking coffee at the age of twenty. We don't need it anymore! That drink is awful. That's why everyone calls it "The Bad Juice." Here are some other terrible liquids you can use in the place of coffee: Tea, Coconut Water, Vague Sludge, Moon Juice, Slime Rain, Blood, Toilet Paste, and Bud Light.

Bottom's up!

13. New hair is a new beginning.

Try a different hairstyle! Cut all your hair off for a new start! Dye your hair pink! Paste those mysterious scraps of hair you find under your bed to different parts of your body! Concentrate really hard on your elbow until it growls a tail! Treat yourself to a new beginning!

12. People will call you crazy, and that's ok.

They'll look at the quilts you wear around your neck on odd numbered days and say you're insane. They'll see you pull an impossible number of handkerchiefs from your pocket and call you a lunatic. They'll see you stick out your great tongue at a naughty cyclist as you were taught to do and tell you you should be locked up. But hey. That's just who you are.

And on the bright side, you're not as bad as Crazy Maurice.

11. Trust your heart!

Your heart is a Great Organ! It's been pumping blood from the day you turned twelve. The heart is the Opinionated Organ, the one that has all the opinions. It will scream at you all sorts of unwarranted dreams and goals and strange worldviews, such as, "It is your destiny to be the Biggest on Earth. The world's Biggest Person," or, "Running with scissors is good. You should do it. It's the best," or the one we've all heard our heart say, "Helen Mirren has never heard the word 'fart.'" Listen to your heart and trust it! It's right always. It's never even wrong.

10. Listen, but not too hard.

It's really important to listen to the people talking to you, but don't get carried away. We all know what it's like to try and fall asleep only to hear the sounds of night reveal themselves to us in frightening succession. First it's silence, then it's the blood crickets, followed by the echoes of the people who used to live in your house. Then it's the incessant scratching at the floorboards from the people you try to forget. Then it's your own beating heart trying to burst out from your pure unclean chest.

9. Get a LinkedIn.

It's a great site to make important professional connections.

8. It's ok to be alone.

You don't need to be around fleshy humans all the time. You don't need them! All they want to do is sell you their terrible mixtapes, or force their germy breath up your nose. They want to take your hand in theirs only to let it go someday. They'll make promises until they cows come home. And the cows hate coming home. It's totally alright to take some time for yourself and let their contaminated blood out of your veins.

7. Not everything is a walk in the park.

Otherwise, we would never get anything done. Walk in places other than the park, I beg you.

6. Never trust Crazy Maurice.

He's always full of tricks and chicanery. All he wants is all the biscuits in the jar, but you won't let him have them, will you? You need the biscuits for yourself for your luncheons and light suppers! Crazy Maurice is committed to destroying your afternoon tea. Don't you fall for his terrible awful ruses and schemes!

5. Quit thinking you're old!

You're still so young! Twenty years may seem like a long time, unless you have any concept of the unfathomable expanse of time before your birth. There are trees that are one hundred times as old as you. It's ok!

4. Quit thinking you're young!

You've lived for twenty whole years. Do you know how many flies have been born in that much time? At least 14! Did you know that the oldest person alive is forty years old? You're halfway there! Enjoy it, damn it!

3. Don't burn bridges.

Arlschkonig the Bridge Builder chopped down the whole forest to make them and the tolls feed his family. Don't disrespect his handiwork.

2. We live in a sick, twisted, evil world.

Did you know that 10 million people are eaten by werewolves every single day? We live in a cruel world. In this truly infinite universe, there is a chance that an army of aliens who all bear the grotesque face of Shaquille O'Neal will come down to earth and destroy all our tricked-out rock temples. Word processors close without auto-save. Empires crumble. Phone chargers are unplugged from walls. Entire nations are taken over plague. Someone many years ago decided that terrifying clowns look funny and we all have to live with that. It's a truly disgusting world.

But don't lose hope! Find people who will walk by your side without questioning why you suddenly have so many arms. Find people who will be with you till the end, no matter how much of your skin falls off. Find people who will stare with you into the void, into the great big forever-empty and laugh with you. Those are the people who are worth it.

1. Be yourself.

Everyone's trying to be yourself. But don't let them. You're the only one who can do it.

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