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A Totally Non-Partisan, Non-Biased, Apolitcal Look At The Ed Vs Dave Interviews

Because, hells yeah, we need to get tough!

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Last night saw the battle of the century. Two party leaders duked it out in the same room, with the same audience and the same presenters yet never saw the whites of each other's eyes. Some say it was an attempt to navigate the murky waters of television debates whilst others say it was the best the broadcasters could hope for after their mismanaged handling of the election programmes.

But this was over. Now was the time for two men to present their reasons for becoming the next Prime Minister, questioned by the political bulldog of Jeremy Paxman. Who would hide under the table? Who would surprise everyone with a tearful rendition of 'Ol' man river'? Who would win the debate and by extension a massive majority in the House of Commons? It's time to find out. Are you ready? Emily is.


Paxman begins in true bully pulpit style by digging straight into Cameron. Cameron immediately looks agitated. Was he expecting a lighter touch from the Tory sympathiser? Paxman asks about the rise in foodbank use. Cameron defends by saying it's because they're advertised more. Then Paxman asks whether Cameron could live on a zero hour contract and Cameron is forced to say (after multiple attempts) that he couldn't.

Two superb, slightly off-beam lines of questioning from Paxman - foodbanks and zero hours contracts. Cam looks uncomfortable on zero-hours

It's all looking rather uncomfortable for Cameron. Paxman doesn't relent. He's soon asking about Jeremy Clarkson and Cameron's rich friends he puts into power. Visibly shaken Cameron gives his best defence and tries to distance himself from those decisions. Twenty minutes in and HuffPost chimes in with the most important part. Their favourite faces. The chair of Labour Students, Finn McGoldrick, also gives her totally non-biased view.

Wow, that was a pretty intense 20 mins. Here's our favourite faces so far #BattleForNumber10

This government has failed young people, trebling fees and scrapping EMA #BattleForNumber10

We return to the audience question and answer session. Cameron does seem more relaxed here. But, that's to be expected, nothing is more rattling than an interview with the Paxman. He's asked to state what's going to get cut if he's re-elected. But, that doesn't really matter because the NUS President Toni Pearce has offered to foot the bill.

I wanna pay more tax! #BattleForNumber10

It appears though that Cameron is taking an unusual tactic for these questions. Instead of giving clear concise answers he chooses to ramble on. Owen Jones has him sussed though.

You clever old dog, @David_Cameron. Bore everyone to death so no-one’s watching when Ed Miliband rocks up #BattleForNumber10

Cameron is asked another question about what he regrets most not doing during his time in office. He responds with the answer everyone is waiting for. The item at the top of everyone's agenda. That he didn't reform PMQs.

If the one thing you regret is not making PMQs quieter you have terrible priorities #BattleForNumber10 #CheerioCameron

But now it's time for the outsider. The man who's ready to win an election. The man ready to defy expectations and change the world. The one man (Mili)band. The editor of the totally apolitical, non-partisan Labour List chimes in with his unbiased opinion of Ed and uses the wrong hashtag whilst he's at it.

I’ve seen Miliband do dozens and dozens of these, he’s good at them. he connects #camvmili

Ed walks to the podium. He looks assured. Ready to answer the barrage of questions that are fired at him. Why does he look so gloomy? Would his brother be a better leader? Will you call an EU Referendum? Ed doesn't miss a beat when he answers. Why do looks matter? It's not a beauty contest. No, his brother wouldn't have been better. He'll call an EU referendum if there's a further transfer of powers. Kay Burley responds with "that's a politician's answer." My Twitter timeline responds with accusing Kay Burley of attacking Ed and asking follow-ups when she didn't for Cameron.

Am confused whether Kay Burley is supposed to ask supplementaries? She didn't with Cameron but does with Miliband #BattleForNumber10

Ed's asked what he thinks Cameron's best qualities were. He immediately answers with legalising gay marriage. You can hear Twitter swoon. Ed fends off the rest of the questions with ease and Debs Pace Ross says what we're all thinking whereas Chris Addison gets a bit confused over what he's watching.

@Ed_Miliband is my new spirit animal. #BattleForNumber10 #VoteLabour

Worst episode of University Challenge ever.

But now, the questions are over. It's time for Paxman to get rereleased. How will Ed do? Is it his moment? His hour? Is the Eye of the Tiger playing in his mind as Paxman takes his seat? Paxman drills into him about Labour's past policies, about why people see him as weird. But then, he mentions the SNP. He says Miliband will need their help to get into Downing Street.

This riles Miliband. No one will talk to him that way. "You're important Jeremy, but you're not that important." The studio audience goes wild, Miliband has turned the tables on the man who turns tables. Add this to Miliband confirming that "hells, yes, I'm tough" and we have the liveliest of lively interviews to end the night.

Ed has more sass than the sassiest sass of sass town #Milisass #BattleForNumber10

Woah there - Ed Miliband turned the audience against Paxman. Labour just need to turn that into a gif and job done #BattleForNumber10

The credits start rolling, Paxman turns to Miliband. "Ed, you alright?" He asks, "Yeah, are you?" Miliband retorts. And just in case anyone doubted the result both myself and the Mirror did a poll.

I don't trust the ICM poll so I did one in a room of Labour Students (and one neutral) they all said Ed won. #Unbiasedish #BattleForNumber10

Here's the current poll on @DailyMirror #Miliband #BattleForNumber10 Clear victory for @UKLabour and @Ed_Miliband

So, that's that. The election has been won and Ed Miliband will be walking into Downing Street on May 8th having won all 650 seats.

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