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The 14 Stages Of A "Quiet" Night Out.

There's just no such thing as having one drink...

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8pm: Arrival


You repeatedly tell yourself you'll only have one drink. You actually do only want one drink. Yes, you've had a hard day at work, but you're back in at 8am and nobody wants a 12 hour shift with a hangover. One drink will be enough!

8.30pm: Calm Before The Storm


This drink is going down much slower. You reckon you could make it last at least another 10 minutes. Maybe this will be the first night you go out and actually drink sensibly, like a proper adult.

9pm: Tipsy


You're starting to feel a little light headed now. Your pee seal is officially broken now, meaning you can't go half an hour without needing to go. You're determined to return this time without another drink!

10.30pm: You Don't Need Friends Anyway


Nobody has replied to your messages, not even your ex who you thought was still madly in love with you. But who cares? You can make friends in town! You head out alone, ready to let your hair down and go crazy on the dancefloor!

11.15pm: Time To Hit The Dancefloor


You're ready to show off those Beyonce moves you've been practising in front of the mirror for the past few months, but when you get to the dancefloor, you see your ex with another girl! You're heartbroken and run to the toilets to try and avoid them.

11.45pm: What Is Life?


You've just spent the last half an hour pouring your heart out to the toilet attendant, who you're sure doesn't speak a word of English. Still, she's heard it all. All about your hopeless love life, your crappy job, your family problems. After looking in the mirror and seeing your mascara stained face, you decide to pull yourself together and face the music! Maybe the nice guy from the bar will still be interested in you.

12am: FIGHT


On your way back to the bar, you and your ex's new lady friend cross paths. You can't contain yourself and dive straight for her, tearing out her blonde extensions. Bouncers arrive, and after quite a struggle, you are escorted off the premises.

12.30am: Home


After waiting 20 minutes for a taxi in the rain, you finally arrive home, cold, wet and disappointed. A few hours ago you were having a sensible night out. What happened? You promise yourself that next time you will definitely stick to the one drink.

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