Who Should You Marry?
You should marry Ryan Gosling. He just understands you in a way that no one else can. And he would love you for who you are on the inside. Gosling is your ultimate compatibility match. Go get summa dat baby goose.
You should marry Raven Symone. Imagine, if you can, a life where saying "That's so Raven" would be appropriate every single day. It's everyone's dream. And it should be yours.
You should marry Jennifer Lawrence. You two would just get along so well. You'd be destined for a life of never-ending charming trip-and-falls and just eating nachos, probably.
You should marry Benedict Cumberbatch. Go to him. You belong together. You're not destined for any ordinary marriage. You were meant for something special, something Cumberbatchian. Can you imagine if you hyphenated your last names???
You should marry Pharrell's hat. Pharrell has exemplified what marriage is all about by committing so hard to wearing that hat. That hat has learned the value of commitment and it is ready to commit to you for a lifelong bond of loyalty only a big, weird hat can give. Bonus: You get to hang with Pharrell all the time.
You should marry Beyoncé. Yes, obviously she's already married to Jay Z, but that's not the optimal reality. You should be Jay Z. You shoulda been Jay Z.
You should marry a bag of Flamin' Hot Doritos. Hot, sexy, crunchy -- all the things you really need in your love life were right there in the chip aisle all along. Go to the Cheetos. Go now. Love won't wait!
You should marry a pizza. Look, you probably already spend a fair amount of time with pizza anyway. Let's cut some corners. Make it official. Your perfect match is a pizza, like the old friend you never really saw in a romantic way before. Pizza can love you in a way you've never been loved before. Find your pizza and love it.
You should marry a big brown bear. Your ultimate compatibility match is strong, powerful, and full of fish. Plus, can't you just imagine curling up next to that fur on a cold night? It's anyone's dream. A big brown bear is just what you've always been waiting for, deep down in your heart.
You should marry a robot programmed to love. You might be skeptical about a love robot, but just remember -- a robot can give you the kind of unconditional love a person never could. If you really, truly want to be happy, you should get out there and find a very special robot to love and responsibly care for with regular maintenance and upkeep.
You should marry a merman. You've been waiting your whole life for the kind of love that neither a man nor a fish can provide. Why didn't you think of this before? Half man, half fish, all love machine. Everyone will be so jealous of your fishy ocean romance.
You should marry this dope tiny turtle. Look how TINY. Imagine spending the rest of your days with this itty bitty turtle. No one could ask for anything better.