Savor this moment: The moment you first put on the heels. When your feet still feel like feet and nothing hurts. You look amazing. Why don’t you wear heels more often? Most heels are uncomfortable, but not THESE. This pair is SO comfortable. They’re not going to hurt AT ALL.
Quietly, a voice from within whispers, “Eventually, you will feel pain. You know you will.” You must silence this voice, for it is the voice of reason.
“Shut up! Can’t you see how fancy I look?”
“Maybe at least bring some flats along in your bag?”
“LEAVE ME ALONE, I WANT TO LOOK SO FANCY!”
Cherish this time before your life descends into a swirling pit of pain and psychological torture.
You start to wonder why you can’t walk at your normal brisk pace. Oh, right, these weird, tall shoes. That’s OK. Exchanging ease of movement for breathtaking foot glamour is a fair trade. Wow, how long do you have to wear these again? For several more hours? That’s fine. THAT’S TOTALLY FINE.
But what is that feeling in your feet? It’s definitely not discomfort because you’ve only been wearing the shoes for 20 minutes. Your feet have definitely not started to hurt ALREADY. Don’t worry, you have a deep inner strength that will allow you to ignore this pain-like feeling. But it’s not pain.
YOU’VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
Ding dong! Who’s at the door? Oh, it’s excruciating pain! Come on in. Hey, everybody, the pain is here. The pain is real. Look at the time! It’s pain o’clock. It’s time to do that thing where you stand discreetly on one leg to try to give at least one foot a break from the white-hot sting of standing. You think of Usher and just let it burn. Gotta let it burn.
Maybe it’s time to sit down. Forever. Why can’t we all just have a fun and entertaining night of sitting down? Chairs are truly underrated.
“I love you, chair. You’re my best friend.”
Are you dying? Do you still have feet? It feels like wild badgers have been mercilessly gnawing on them. Like a direct vortex to hell opened up and swallowed just your feet. Like somehow instead of shoes you’ve been mistakenly wearing baby sharks on your feet this entire time.
Maybe everything will be OK if you just slip your shoes off under the table. Nope, even with the shoes off, 5,000 years of pain from all the others who’ve worn heels before you manifests inside your feet.
Oh no, a good song just came on. But you’ve basically destroyed your own feet.
“Sorry, Rihanna. I dance for no one. Not anymore.”
You have to get up. You have to put your shoes back on. Yes, the very shoes that betrayed you. You move tenderly, cautiously, like a baby gazelle first learning to walk.
You have to ask yourself some serious questions. Can you be that person who just walks around barefoot? Will you lose the respect of your peers if you become that shoeless weirdo? What have you become? What happened to your life? Nothing matters anymore. Not when you’re drowning slowly in a dark ocean of pain.
You HAD perfectly good feet at the begining of the night. But you put them into a shape they weren’t supposed to go into and now they’re worthless. How do you get home? Your feet are over. They’re done being feet.
You’re ready to commit to a quiet, simple life of orthopedic shoes. Or better, a reclusive life in the forest where you never wear shoes again.
“Why didn’t I wear sensible flats?” you think, as you let free a primal scream of “SENSIBLE FLAAAAAAAAAAATS!” into the cold, dark night.