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16 Of The Most Ridiculous Urban Outfitters Home Goods

Should you let these things into your home? Where you sleep?

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1. Bird-Feet Side Table

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Chelsea: It's like you want a bedside table but also want to have nightmares.

Joanna: There are a lot of animal feet to choose from.

Chelsea: Give me some puppy feet.

Joanna: That might also be nightmarish but still a step up.

Chelsea: I want all of my furniture to be at risk of walking out of my life.

Joanna: I want all my furniture to be half of an animal, but not the good half.

2. Mason Jar Shot Glasses

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Joanna: If you accidentally shrank the band Mumford & Sons down to a tiny size, they would have to drink out of these.

Chelsea: Looks like pee. Someone tinkled in a Mason jar.

Joanna: This product photo does look like pee.

Chelsea: This is when you don't want to leave your room so you pee a lil' pee but want to be quaint about it.

3. $69 Ladder "Shelf"

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Joanna: This is reeeeeeally stretching the definition of "shelf."

Chelsea: This is when you have a small apartment and want to waste a liiiiiiittle more space.

Joanna: This is when you enjoy the excitement of things falling off your "shelf."

Chelsea: Yeah, this is just asking for shit to fall during the night and scare you.

Joanna: Here's my ladder where I store three of my things.

4. $129 Blanket "Storage Ladder"

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Chelsea: Life hack: Put a blanket on any ladder and it can become a blanket ladder.

I should call the chair I put my coats on the Coat Storage Chair.

Joanna: What happened to the good old days of shoving blankets into a closet?

What happens when you try to store more than one blanket on this? It just looks like a big ghost.

Chelsea: You can show off your blanket collection.

Joanna: I know when people come over to my house, I want them to see the variety of blankets in my collection.

Chelsea: I just want them to know how cozy I can be.

Is there a food ladder I can buy to store all my pasta, fruits, and meats?

5. Flask Bracelet

Chelsea: This is for when you want a piece of jewelry that looks like crap AND a flask that's not functional.

Joanna: Can you imagine watching someone drink out of a bracelet?

Just taking a swig on my arm.

Chelsea: I feel like the purpose of this is to be discreet and it's the opposite of discreet.

Joanna: How much liquid can even fit in there?

Enough to fill one tiny mason jar shot glass.

6. Stay Awhile Wall Hook

urbanoutfitters.com

Chelsea: Serial killer.

Joanna: Your guests should be able to come and go as they please.

Chelsea: Nothing would make me want to leave faster than something that tells me to stay awhile.

Joanna: It also just feels kind of desperate.

I want a wall hanging that says "THERE'S NO ESCAPE"

"STAY AWHILE, THE DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE"

Chelsea: "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, IT WIL BE NICE, HERE LOOK AT MY STORAGE LADDERS"

Joanna: "COME, MAKE A NEW LIFE HERE WITH ME AND MY LADDERS"

8. $100 Wall Hanging

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Chelsea: O DEAR LORD YOU ARE NOT FREE IF YOU ARE PAYING THAT MUCH FOR SOMETHING SO DUMB.

Joanna: No one wild OR free buys a wall hanging, period. "I'm so crazy, you never know what I'm gonna do next! Just look at my wall hanging!"

Chelsea: I want to know how many of those sold.

Joanna: I want to meet every person who bought this for $100.

9. Coconut Water Scented Candle

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Joanna: Coconut I get as a scent. But coconut WATER?

Chelsea: What does that even smell like???

Joanna: Tangy water. Who opens up a bottle of coconut water and deeply inhales the aroma?

Chelsea: Someone who is not doing well.

10. Skull Sculpture

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Joanna: What will pull this room together? Oh yes, a skull.

Chelsea: Ah yes, a metal human skull.

Joanna: For when you want to remind houseguests that you're edgy, but not too edgy. (Someone really edgy would have a real skull.) There are a million uses for this. Like... Uh...

Chelsea: Probs make a good cup if you turned it upside down.

11. Banana Flask

urbanoutfitters.com

Joanna: Hang on, let's REALLY get this party started. Let me pull out my secret banana full of booze. Can you imagine drinking out of this?

Chelsea: Imagine seeing that in someone's pocket. You'd tell them to back the fuck off. And then when you learned it's actually a banana flask, you'd be like OMG BACK THE FUCK OFF still.

12. Combination Wine Glass and Martini Glass

Joanna: This is the ugliest drinking glass I've ever seen. And this is coming from someone whose favorite cup was a plastic color-change Aladdin cup from Burger King.

Chelsea: Also why don't you just put your alcohol in a normal mug like everyone else, OK?

Joanna: You're too fancy for a tiny urine-soaked Mason jar?

13. "Light Sleeper Heavy Dreamer" Pillow

urbanoutfitters.com

Chelsea: Does this mean you're constantly zoned out in everyday life, just staring at walls?

Joanna: This person's quality of life cannot be great.

Chelsea: That seems really awful to constantly be easily woken up when you get to the REM cycle, ya know?

Joanna: Yeah, that's a horrible way to live. I feel bad for this person.

Chelsea: But also, what does this even mean?????????

Joanna: I honestly don't know.

14. Eyeball Box

Chelsea: This seems like something one of the wives on Sister Wives would make tbh.

Joanna: Need a safe storage space for my diamond rings — oh, this eyeball will do.

Chelsea: This would be the worst thing to come alive in Toy Story.

Joanna: You know what people wish they could do? Open up an eyeball and put stuff inside it.

15. "Think Less, Live More" Art Print

urbanoutfitters.com

Joanna: Thinking and living are mutually exclusive.

Chelsea: No no no, this person needs to think a little more about the life they are leading. And do better.

Joanna: I've had just about enough of wall art telling me what to do.

Chelsea: That does seem to be a theme here: bossy wall art, and honestly, I don't need that in my life.

Joanna:

1. Buy this art print

2. Quit your job

3. Burn down your house

4. Buy a boat

5. Sail off into the ocean

6. ???????

16. $349 Abstract Arty Light?

urbanoutfitters.com

Chelsea: Is this a black light?

Joanna: I feel like the person who owns this has a couch that turns into a bed via remote control. And owns those "whiskey stones." The guy who owns this just listens to ambient sound effects instead of music.

Chelsea: ~just laser sounds~ I wonder if he has one of those little fountains.

Joanna: He has like eight little fountains in his apartment. All his dining room chairs are massage chairs.

Chelsea: Ewwwww.

Joanna: I will say, at $349, this weird tube of light is a steal.

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