1. The Player
The player is one of the worst dating types to avoid. They’re usually super busy either gettin’ busy with others behind your back OR taking glamorous bathroom mirror selfies. Players need to accumulate a portfolio of flattering selfies to send to their millions of girlfriends and boyfriends to keep them interested. Meanwhile, you really, really have to pee. But too bad! The bathroom is occupied until the perfect selfie is achieved. If you ever want to use the bathroom again, do not date a player.
Warning sign: Is in the bathroom right now
2. The Commitmentphobe
If the person you’re dating is afraid of commitment, they’ve already made a huge mistake. They’ve let you see that they’re afraid. And showing fear is a sign of weakness. Now that you know that they’re weak, you can destroy them. If you wanna. There are real things to be afraid of like bees and sharks and tidal waves. They’re scared of a loving relationship? Is the big bad commitment hiding under your bed? Are you scarwed, spelled with a “w” to indicate a baby is saying it?
Warning sign: Cries during Olive Garden commercials.
3. The Workaholic
You know what they say: “work hard, play hard.” If you date someone who works hard, prepare to feel their wrath when it’s play time. Next thing you know, little Monopoly houses are all over the floor and you’re huddle in the corner crying because they played way too hard. You’re evacuating to a safe house because they brought out Scattergories. That’s no way to live. If you ever want to play a board game without fearing for your life, do not date a workaholic.
Warning sign: loves board games
4. The Emotionally Unavailable
It’s hard to have a relationship with someone who won’t open up and communicate. If you’re dating someone who is emotionally unavailable—get ready for some serious sci-fi junk because you are not dating a real human being. We’re talking about a highly sophisticated form of artificial intelligence here. Did your see the movie “Her”? Joaquin Phoenix didn’t seem to mind gettin’ busy with a manmade personality, but is it really for you? Are you really gonna marry a robot? And have half-human-half-robot babies? It sounds kind of nice actually. OR DOES IT?
Warning sign: Is somehow a Wi-Fi hotspot
5. The Actually Unavailable
If the person you want to date is unavailable they could be married or trapped in a supernatural ice prison by an evil wizard’s curse. Either way, it’s such an annoying hassle. So much lying, sneaking around, scheming, and the heartbreak that comes from learning that a soldering iron can’t melt through ice bars that are cursed by magic. Save yourself the trouble and go after someone who’s single or one of the few brave souls who have already escaped the wizard’s wintry lair.
Warning sign: Has a rivalry with an evil ice wizard and/or has a spouse
6. The Rebounder
The Rebounder is the used car salesman of dating. They’re trying to sell you their heart like it’s a 2011 Honda Civic with only 20,000 miles when it’s really just a broken piece of garbage. Don’t be a fool. And if you’re saying “Wait, can’t I at least go for a test drive?” No, you can’t. This car metaphor is really stupid and it needs to stop now.
Warning sign: Will never love you
7. The Drama Lover
The Drama lover escalates every situation into an international crisis. Suddenly, every mundane disagreement becomes emotionally draining. Arguing over whether or not there should be butter on the movie popcorn turns into a passionate free-for-all, insults are flying, onlookers are very uncomfortable. It’s exciting! Your once dull excuse for a life is suddenly full of color and emotions you’ve never felt before. Finally, you feel alive! Maybe you should date this person after all. Go for it.
Warning sign: Is screaming right now
8. The Baby
We’ve all met babies before. Sure, they’re fun, but you don’t want to date one. They’re immature, super codependent, and they can’t even hold a conversation. It’s a classic dating nightmare. And, more importantly, a baby’s parents are not going to let this go past the first date. It’s amazing they let you take out their baby in the first place. This is just a bad idea all around. DO NOT DATE A BABY.
Warning sign: Fontanelle
9. The Gold Digger
Most people don’t even realize they’re dating a gold digger until it’s too late. But the signs are always there in the beginning. They come home tracking mineral dust into your apartment. You want to have date night and they’re too tired because they spent all day extracting gold ore from the earth. They’re often so busy mining for gold that they can’t offer you the quality time you deserve. And when they do have free time they’re always down at the bar grabbing a pint with their buddies from the gold mine. You can do better.
Warning sign: Has uttered the words “There’s gold in them thar hills!”
10. North American Brown Bears
Brown bears may look cute, but you don’t want to get up close and you definitely don’t want to date one. They can weigh up to 1400 pounds and a date is definitely a bad idea. Even if you’re just meeting up for coffee, they’re unpredictable in temperament, and may attack if they are surprised or feel threatened. This is your life we’re talking about, so don’t put it in danger with bears.
Warning sign: Has fought with a wolf before
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