25. Plenty Of Fish In The Sea
This shade reminds you that you’ll find someone else. Only a modest percentage of people die alone. Probably. There are no statistics to back that up.
24. Keep Up The Flame
If you have to be told to “keep up the flame” you’re in one of three terrible scenarios:
1. Your camp fire is about to die down before everyone’s had a chance to make a s’more.
2. Your camp fire is about to die down leaving your party at risk to die of exposure in these icy cold temps.
3. You’re in a loveless marriage.
22. Jail Bait
She grew up too fast, but she had to get out of this town any way she could, at any cost… :(
One hell of a manicure though.
21. Conga Line
Have you ever tried to start a conga line? People are SO reluctant to join on. You can usually only get one person to agree to it, maximum. And that’s not a conga line, that’s two people fooling themselves about every decision they’ve ever made.
20. Lonesome Dove
100% of doves die alone.
19. Shocking Seas
We’ve lost many good men on these shocking seas. Maybe if the seas weren’t so shocking, so unforgiving, they’d be home right now eating a chicken pot pie. Instead of dead.
18. Eternal Optimist
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT
16. Breakfast In Red
Waking up…man I must’ve blacked out last night…sure am hungry…eggs sound good…WHERE DID ALL THIS BLOOD COME FROM? You’re a murderer.
15. Grey Area
No good conversation has ever contained the phrase “grey area.”
14. Spaghetti Strap
Have you ever seen anyone successfully pull off a spaghetti strap since 1999? You couldn’t possibly have. And that was the year my math teacher would make you wear her old lady blazer if you wore spaghetti straps in her class.
13. Thanks A Latte
This is the most passive aggressive pun I’ve ever encountered.
12. Cougar Attack
We have to get to the hospital!
11. My Silicone Popped
We have to get to the hospital!
10. Ants In My Pants
We have to get to the hospital! I mean, if they’re fire ants. Regardless of ant species, that would be a nightmare scenario.
8. Gone Grey
Nothing lasts forever. Might as well paint my nails to match the color of my soul.
7. I Lilac You
If you can’t just come right out and say “I like you” without making a pun and tell this person how you really feel, you’re hopeless. There’s no hope for you.
6. Wine Not
Wine not? WINE NOT? I’ll tell you wine not, we all have work in the morning and you don’t know when to call it quits, wino. That’s wine not.
3. My Button Fell Off
2. No Place Like Chrome
Who is saying this? A robot? Is Pixar’s WALL-E saying this? Oh my god he’s sentient and so aloooooooone. I’ve actually never seen this film because I fear I won’t be able to handle it, emotionally.
1. I Only Eat Salads
And we have a winner.
- Texas is suing the federal government for blocking a huge shipment of illegal execution drugs from entering the state 💉
- President Trump bussed the US Senate to the White House for a briefing on North Korea, but senators say they didn't learn anything new 🚌
- McDonald's spends big bucks rolling out "premium" menu items like leafy wraps, but data shows its customers just want cheap deals 🍔🍟
- An extraordinary new study claims humans roamed America 130,000 years ago, but fossil experts say don't believe the hype 👣