I Tried To Run In The Shape Of A Penis And It's Harder Than It Looks

This is the inspiring tale of what can happen when you set a goal for yourself and then accomplish that goal. Also, please don't show this to my grandma. Thanks.

My name is Joanna and I am a very casual runner. I'm probably not even allowed to be called a "runner," more like "a person who runs, sometimes." I say that because I recently spent a considerable amount of time trying to run in the shape of male genitalia.

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Here's an unflattering running selfie as proof that I do indeed run, sometimes.

I started using a running app with GPS (Nike+ Run Club) that shows you the shape of your run. After each run I get excited to see what shape I ran. But then I remember I always run in a circle*, which is a shape for losers and dorks.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

I could be running in any shape and I chose a circle??? What a wasted opportunity. But what shape SHOULD I run in? A rhombus? A doggy? I considered this for less than one second before attempting to run in the shape of a penis.

Have other people used GPS to run in the shape of a penis? Of course they have. How can you even ask that question? I would've been shocked if it hadn't already been done by many, many others before me.

Sure, male genitals already get too much attention as it is. The world doesn't need any more dick drawings. It's probably the stupidest thing you can draw. It's not funny or clever or original. I know. But once I see a challenge in front of me, I can't back down. The stupider the challenge, the more I want to win. I'm only human and I just needed to know — How difficult is it to run in the shape of a penis?

*I know that this shape pictured is technically an oval (or maybe even a rectangle) and not a true circle, but if you feel the need to make that distinction/correction, I want you to stop and reevaluate your entire life and know that we could never, ever be friends.

My first attempt was... not very good.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

I cavalierly thought I would nail this on the first try. I didn't think I would be out here in the park making multiple penis-run attempts. But as you can see, this doesn't really look like a penis at all.

It looked more like a space shuttle.

Nerthuz / Getty Images, Google / Nike+ Run Club

A space shuttle is probably a more noble thing to run in the shape of, but I had to try again. My running path was way pointier than I realized. On my next try I really focused on rounding out those edges.

I could've carefully walked in the shape of a penis but that would make me a person who spends their time walking in the shape of a penis and I don't want to be that. As long as I was running, I was getting exercise. That's not a waste of time! Plus, running drew the image faster and I was eager to see how my penis turned out.

In case you're wondering, each penis path was about a quarter mile. You can obviously run a much larger penis, but that requires planning out your route in advance.

Penis attempt #2 was better, but still not right.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

Too many angles!

This one looked more like a whale.

Orla / Getty Images, Google / Nike+ Run Club

For my next attempt, I really needed to focus on running a circular path to get the testicles right. I had lots of experience running in a circle. Why was I screwing this up? The August afternoon sun was getting more intense, but I wasn't leaving the park until I ran in the shape of a penis. I'm not a quitter.

Penis attempt #3 was the worst one yet.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

This one looks kind of like a neti pot squirting water up someone's nose. Maybe?

Rob_lan / Getty Images, Google / Nike+ Run Club

My growing frustration is clear here. How did I mess it up this badly? Even though it was hot and gross outside, I felt more inspired than ever to reach penis-shape glory. This was my moment and I was going to capture it.

Penis attempt #4: Dreams do come true.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

Look at this!!!! Take it in. You have to admit, this is a pretty good penis shape. Please validate me. I used my previous failures as an opportunity to learn and grow and draw a better penis. This was a good use of my time, right? Yes. Everyone agrees. Just when you think I CAN'T run in the shape of a penis, against all odds, I go and prove you wrong.

Now no one can say I can't run in the shape of a penis. And I'll always have that. In your face, people who thought I couldn't run in the shape of a penis! In. Your. Face.

Could I have drawn a better one? Maybe. Will I try again on my next run? Probably. Will I be chasing the perfect GPS penis shape for the rest of my life? Wow, I hope not. But here we are.

Nothing compares to the feeling of successfully running in the shape of a penis.

Google / Nike+ Run Club

The self-esteem boost you get from running in a penis shape is unmatched. But now I feel sad about the fact that running in the shape of a penis made me prouder than I've felt in a long time. I even ran a victory lap. Plus, my penis drawing attempts added an extra mile to my workout that I wouldn't have run otherwise.

Everyone is impressed with my accomplishment and jealous, too.

Google / Nike+ Run Club / Instagram / Via Instagram: @jbornz

Everyone knows that running is boring. If things like health, wellness, speed, distance, and glory do not motivate you on a run — they barely motivate me — try the motivation of drawing a perfect GPS peen.

Total times I said "penis" in this post: 26.