1. Sexytime Brussels Sprouts
So you just started dating but no one’s put the moves on yet. You’ve thought about making the first move to initiate intimacy, but wait! Stop! Don’t be a chump. Roast up some Brussels sprouts if you really want a one-way ticket to the bone zone.
2. Respect Me As a Person Pork Chops
If your partner doesn’t really respect your hopes and dreams and sees you more as a piece of meat, it’s time to cook up the perfect piece of meat to convey that you’re an individual with real feelings and you deserve respect. Be careful to serve the most respectable side dish possible so you don’t negate the message of your juicy pan-fried respect chop. Kale and beans says, “I’ve got important things to say.” Mashed potatoes says, “Me a baby.” Choose carefully.
3. Finally Moving in Together Kebabs
If you really want to live with your significant other, you could sit down and have a talk about the pros and cons of sharing a living space OR you could make these tantalizing kebabs. There’s just something about eating food on a stick that makes people want to cohabitate.
4. Stop Liking Your Ex’s Posts On Facebook Ham
It’s so sweet and progressive for your partner to maintain a healthy friendship with their ex, but it’s time they stopped making a goddamned fool of you all over the internet. That’s not always an easy thing to talk about…unless you say it with ham! Say good-bye to jealousy and hello to appropriate boundaries with sweet, tender baked ham. One bite of this ham and that itchy “like” trigger finger will be put to rest.
5. Let’s Get Pregnant Waffles
If you want to get yourself a baby, heat up that waffle iron, friend. Starting your own little family always seems like a good idea when your mouth is heaped full of delicious waffles. Maple syrup if you want a girl, drizzled chocolate if you want a boy. Extra butter for twins.
7. We Need to See Eye to Eye on Our Finances Ramen
Money can be one of the biggest conflict starters. To have a successful relationship, you need to have frank, open discussions about your financial situations to get on the same page. BUT if that sounds unpleasant, make this ramen recipe instead.
8. Don’t Be Intimidated by My Success Casserole
If you’re bankrolling some major dolla bills, your partner might feel weird about it. That is, they might feel weird about it right up until the moment they stuff their face with casserole. Nothing conveys equal footing in a relationship like a bunch of ingredients all squished together in one Pyrex dish. In the hot scorching oven of your relationship, you’re both baking at the same temperature. (You can use that line if you like.)
9. We Need to Talk Caesar Salad
If you need to discuss something unpleasant, set the tone with a big ol’ salad. The harsh crunch of a crouton effortlessly signals trouble in paradise. The cool, crisp blend of flavors echoes the cool, crisp troubles that nestle deep within your heart.
10. I’ve Been Living a Lie Cupcakes
Maybe you haven’t been totally honest in your relationship. Heavy is your burden. As the old saying goes: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets are easier to accept when you make cuppy cakes! Maybe your partner is gonna freak out when you tell them, but how badly can you really freak out when you’re confronted with teeny tiny cakes?
11. Breakup Salmon
Initiating a breakup is hard. Let food do the work for you. Salmon means it’s over. Cherish the memory of what you had with a nice piece of fish. The added health benefit of omega-3s shows that you still care and can maybe stay friends.
- Senator Ron Wyden will soon introduce legislation requiring warrants before phones can be searched at the US border.