It's me, the sledgehammer in Miley Cyrus' new video for "Wrecking Ball."
Yes, the one she licks.
Yes, multiple times.
You've probably heard a lot of talk about how tongue-to-sledgehammer action is "odd" or a "desperate plea for attention."
But I'm here to tell you that our love is real. What Miley and I have together is a beautiful thing.
Unfortunately, there are people out there who will say "Maybe you shouldn't lick a sledgehammer."
Those people are wrong.
There's nothing weird or obscene about getting intimate with a sledgehammer.
Miley and I do all kinds of things together like completing important construction projects.
And snuggling on piles of rubble.
She's even teaching me how to twerk.
I'm basically Miley's closest companion. She asks me for advice and we just understand each other.
That outfit she wore for the VMAs was all my idea.
Arguably, I'm the luckiest sledgehammer in the world.
Most sledgehammers get carried around by gruff construction workers who would never even remotely consider licking them.
Do I wish Miley would consider wearing a hard hat in construction areas? Yes, of course, safety first. but she's such a free spirit.
Do I wish she hadn't shared this exceptionally private moment between us with the public? Yes, but what's done is done. She's very open with our love.
Miley has been huge in advancing sledgehammer representation in popular culture.
No one has done more for increasing the visibility of sledgehammers in pop music since Peter Gabriel.
She's a hero in the sledgehammer community.
Miley is just doing what everyone wishes they could do. Who hasn't wished they could ride a wrecking ball around in the nude?
Oh, no one? Well, that was a bad example.
And to the haters out there, you're just jealous. How many times have you been licked by Miley Cyrus? Probably zero. I mean, there's maybe like a 5 percent chance that you have, but that's still pretty low.
Miley's new video is just a reflection of what happens when a woman and a sledgehammer love each other very much.