Hufflepuff - When a clown smokes weed.
Sorry I showed up stoned, I was hufflepuffing with Mr. Bananas and Big-Pants Bob.
Slytherin - Something a cool snake does.
Look at that cool snake just slytherin.
Ravenclaw - Something that happens when Raven Symone gets angry.
Stop bringing up “That’s So Raven” or she’s gonna go Ravenclaw on you.
Gryffindor - A woodworker that specializes in restoring historic crown molding.
Oh no! This beautiful 18th century molding is cracked! Better call a Gryffindor.
Voldemort - A traditional fruit tart eaten when people die.
I’m so sad Phil is dead. Let’s go back to my house and eat a bunch of cherry and raspberry voldemorts.
Muggle - A beagle that’s cutely hanging out in a mug like an Anne Geddes baby.
I’ve pinned so many cute muggle photos to my muggle board on Pinterest.
Hermione - A spice traditionally used in beef stew.
This beef stew is amazing. I can really taste the hermione.
Howler - A ghost that makes that scary sound of the wind blowing through the trees.
I hear a howler outside and I’m gonna pee my pants with fear.
Order of the Phoenix - What the Phoenix always gets every time at Taco Bell, which is Nachos Bellgrande.
You need to put sour cream on the Order of the Phoenix.
Quidditch - Literally a ditch full of money, used as slang for when someone gets rich by luck.
Mandy won the lottery? Looks like she fell into a quidditch.
Deluminator - The opposite of concealer which you can put under your eyes to create dark circles so you can fake being sick.
I got this new Maybelline deluminator that makes me look so bad.
Hogwarts - A trendy new vitamin supplement that rich Southern California housewives are buying like crazy from health food stores.
I look 10 years younger ever since I started taking Hogwarts.
Pareseltongue - That condition where you have a lizard-like tongue.
I was making out with Gary and I discovered he has a parseltongue. :(
Snape - A fun new brand of tape.
I snaped up my package with snape!
Dumbledore - An old timey insult that is only mildly offensive.
You can’t do math? God, you’re such a dumbledore.
Yaxley - An intellectual yak.
We’re debating which Himalayan grass has the most complex flavor. I’m sure Yaxley will want to weigh in on this.
Death Eater - The name of your little brother’s metal band.
Death Eater is playing the neighborhood block party but they had to remove the swear words from the lyrics for Grandma.
Butterbeer - Something you could get at a Midwestern state fair.
My arteries are so clogged from all this delicious butterbeer.
Chamber of Secrets - The bathroom.
Hold up, I gotta stop and take a leak at the chamber of secrets before we go.
Floo powder - Cocaine.
Let’s go to the bathroom and snort some floo powder, Cindy.
Patronus - How you say Patron tequilla in Latin.
Carpe diem let’s take shots of Patronus.
Philosopher’s Stone - Something you can buy at that new age store at the mall where they sell incense and power crystals.
I can’t believe that store stays in business. Who actually buys tie dye dresses and philospher’s stones?
Firebolt - A gross shot served at college bars consisting of cinnamon whisky and Bolt energy drink.
Oh no, shit’s gonna get fucked up. Billy bought us a round of firebolts.
Boggart - A dumb board game your annoying college roommate always made you play.
Oh Christ, Amanda says we all have to play Boggart again.
Horcrux - The pivotal moment when someone considers going into prostitution but then doesn’t.
I was really going to sleep with someone for money until I reached my horcrux.
Nimbus 2000 - The name of the space shuttle Lance Bass would’ve taken to space.
The voyage of the Nimbus 2000 wasn’t quite the same without astronaut Lance Bass on board.
- The Obama administration, which has been notoriously secretive about its drone policy, said drone strikes have killed up to 116 civilians.
- Nearly 70,000 people convicted of felonies but now on probation or parole are suing Louisiana for the right to vote.
- Attorney General Loretta Lynch said she'll accept FBI recommendations in the investigation of Hillary Clinton's private email servers.