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Harry Potter Words As Guessed By People Who Have Never Read The Books

God, don't be such a Dumbledore. (We haven't seen the movies either.)

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Hufflepuff - When a clown smokes weed.

Sorry I showed up stoned, I was hufflepuffing with Mr. Bananas and Big-Pants Bob.

Slytherin - Something a cool snake does.

Look at that cool snake just slytherin.


Ravenclaw - Something that happens when Raven Symone gets angry.

Stop bringing up "That's So Raven" or she's gonna go Ravenclaw on you.

Gryffindor - A woodworker that specializes in restoring historic crown molding.

Oh no! This beautiful 18th century molding is cracked! Better call a Gryffindor.

Voldemort - A traditional fruit tart eaten when people die.

I'm so sad Phil is dead. Let's go back to my house and eat a bunch of cherry and raspberry voldemorts.

Muggle - A beagle that's cutely hanging out in a mug like an Anne Geddes baby.

I've pinned so many cute muggle photos to my muggle board on Pinterest.

Hermione - A spice traditionally used in beef stew.

This beef stew is amazing. I can really taste the hermione.

Howler - A ghost that makes that scary sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

I hear a howler outside and I'm gonna pee my pants with fear.

Order of the Phoenix - What the Phoenix always gets every time at Taco Bell, which is Nachos Bellgrande.

You need to put sour cream on the Order of the Phoenix.


Quidditch - Literally a ditch full of money, used as slang for when someone gets rich by luck.

Mandy won the lottery? Looks like she fell into a quidditch.

Deluminator - The opposite of concealer which you can put under your eyes to create dark circles so you can fake being sick.

I got this new Maybelline deluminator that makes me look so bad.

Hogwarts - A trendy new vitamin supplement that rich Southern California housewives are buying like crazy from health food stores.

I look 10 years younger ever since I started taking Hogwarts.

Pareseltongue - That condition where you have a lizard-like tongue.

I was making out with Gary and I discovered he has a parseltongue. :(

Snape - A fun new brand of tape.

I snaped up my package with snape!

Dumbledore - An old timey insult that is only mildly offensive.

You can't do math? God, you're such a dumbledore.

Yaxley - An intellectual yak.

We're debating which Himalayan grass has the most complex flavor. I'm sure Yaxley will want to weigh in on this.


Death Eater - The name of your little brother's metal band.

Death Eater is playing the neighborhood block party but they had to remove the swear words from the lyrics for Grandma.

Butterbeer - Something you could get at a Midwestern state fair.

My arteries are so clogged from all this delicious butterbeer.

Chamber of Secrets - The bathroom.

Hold up, I gotta stop and take a leak at the chamber of secrets before we go.

Floo powder - Cocaine.

Let's go to the bathroom and snort some floo powder, Cindy.

Patronus - How you say Patron tequilla in Latin.

Carpe diem let's take shots of Patronus.

Philosopher's Stone - Something you can buy at that new age store at the mall where they sell incense and power crystals.

I can't believe that store stays in business. Who actually buys tie dye dresses and philospher's stones?


Firebolt - A gross shot served at college bars consisting of cinnamon whisky and Bolt energy drink.

Oh no, shit's gonna get fucked up. Billy bought us a round of firebolts.

Boggart - A dumb board game your annoying college roommate always made you play.

Oh Christ, Amanda says we all have to play Boggart again.

Horcrux - The pivotal moment when someone considers going into prostitution but then doesn't.

I was really going to sleep with someone for money until I reached my horcrux.

Nimbus 2000 - The name of the space shuttle Lance Bass would've taken to space.

The voyage of the Nimbus 2000 wasn't quite the same without astronaut Lance Bass on board.