17 Things Everyone Wants To Do On A First Date But Shouldn’t

First dates are the worst.

1. Leave immediately.

However strong this survival instinct is, try to ignore it. You signed up for this parade of awkward, now give love a chance.

2. Get drunk.

This seems like the best case scenario but it could lead to vomiting and rarely do vomiting and romance go together.

3. List all the foods you ate that day.

Don’t do this. Not even if it includes nachos. You’ll probably be hurting for conversation topics, but by god, have some dignity.

4. Hide in the bathroom.

As soon as you leave for the bathroom, the judgement clock is ticking. If you give into the temptation of hiding out in your bathroom sanctuary of solitude, you risk looking like you have digestive issues, which often, though not always, detract from romance.

5. Wear sweatpants.

A high stress situation like a date should lend itself to comfortable clothing like sweatpants or a big poncho, but because the world is a terrible place, this is generally not acceptable date attire.

6. Start a conversation with your new best friend, the waiter.

Bad news, the waiter doesn’t want to be dragged into this train wreck.

7. Make a panicked expression during awkward pauses in conversation.

Should you be panicking during awkward pauses? Absolutely. But do not show it on your face. Come on, be cool!

8. Sit quietly without talking.

Can’t you just enjoy each other’s company without feeling pressure to talk? Nope. You can’t.

9. Stare off into space with a glazed over expression.

This is what most of us want to do on a date, but it’s simply not conducive to finding love.

10. Blurt out, “My god, say something interesting!”

While both you and your date will probably say lots of boring stuff, try not to do this. It’s a real mood killer.

11. Avoid eye contact until it gets weird.

Looking into your date’s eyes is the worst. This is some weird almost-stranger we’re talking about, but make eye contact and pretend to like it.

12. Bring out the photo of your dog/cat again.

You only get to show it once.

13. Always be awkwardly sippin’.

Dorsey Shaw

Taking a drink can only buy you so much time.

14. Bring conversation flashcards.

Do not risk looking like a nerd, nerd.

15. Chew your food the recommended 32 times with each bite for the first time in your life.

British Prime Minister William Gladstone reportedly believed you should chew your food 32 times, once for each tooth. (????) The efficacy of this is debated, but don’t think you can escape first date responsibilities because your mouth is full of food. You will run out of food eventually.

16. Respond to questions like “So, what’s your passion?” with “Pass.”

Yes, this is a stupid, horrible question and if your date asks you this you should consider never seeing them again. But play along for now in the name of love.

17. Say “Wanna come back to my place? I’ve got candy!”

No need to bribe your date with candy. And if you don’t actually have candy, this is lying. And it’s never advisable to lie about candy.

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