An Ode To Ted Cruz’s Eyebrows

The real breakout Tea Party heroes.

1. If you know Senator Ted Cruz…

Joe Mitchell / Reuters

2. You know these guys, the two busiest eyebrows on Capitol Hill.

Charlie Neibergall / AP

His eyebrows are full of secrets.

3. Even when Congress accomplishes nothing, these eyebrows are workin’ overtime.

David J. Phillip / AP

4. These babies are known as the windshield wipers of the Tea Party Express.

Andrew Burton / Getty Images

5. And, yes, they’re real.

Kevin Lamarque / Reuters

6. The government shut itself down after taking one look at DESE BROWS.

Mark Wilson / Getty Images

7. “Bitch, please.” - Ted Cruz’s eyebrows

Charlie Neibergall / AP

8. One man. Two Eyebrows.

Jonathan Ernst / Reuters

9. With the power of 100 eyebrows.

Jason Reed / Reuters

10. These eyebrows are Washington’s ultimate power players.

Charles Dharapak / AP

11. During the government shutdown President Obama actually had a meeting with JUST Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.

Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press / MCT

12. Did you know that Ted Cruz’s eyebrows actually outrank Ted Cruz as co-chairs of the National Republican Senatorial Committee?

J. Scott Applewhite / AP

13. Did you know each of his eyebrows is individually licensed to carry?

David J. Phillip / AP

14. Did you know that Ted Cruz actually wanted to backdown on defunding Obamacare but his eyebrows talked him out of it?

J. Scott Applewhite / AP

15. Legend has it that during Senate votes, Ted Cruz doesn’t say “aye” or “no,” he merely moves his eyebrows.

Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

16. Ted Cruz’s eyebrows could be behind you at any moment.


17. The brows are always watching.

Molly Riley / AP

18. From any shadow could emerge… these eyebrows.

Gary Cameron / Reuters

19. There’s no one better to introduce you at a conference than Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.

Jonathan Ernst / Reuters

20. So sensitive.

Mark Wilson / Getty Images

21. So gentle.

Pat Sullivan, File / AP

22. One time in the Senate cafeteria, Ted Cruz ordered three bowls of chili. One for himself and one for each of his eyebrows.

Charlie Neibergall / AP

23. This Diet Coke is actually for Ted Cruz’s eyebrows.

Jonathan Ernst / Reuters

24. These eyebrows have made it pretty clear they’re planning a presidential run.

Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

25. But WHAT IF Ted Cruz’s eyebrows beat Ted Cruz in the GOP primary?



26. No, little boy! Don’t look directly into the eyebrows!

Win McNamee / Getty Images

27. Did you know that Ted Cruz’s eyebrows were identified by entomologists as a rare species of Republican face caterpillar?

Mark Wilson / Getty Images

28. Ted Cruz’s eyebrows come at your harder than a 3D movie. Yes, in IMAX.

Drew Angerer / Getty Images

29. When you close your eyes to fall asleep at night, you’ll see these eyebrows.

Jason Reed / Reuters

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