A Definitive Ranking Of All The Terms For Sex

Do residents of Pound Town pay taxes in the Bone Zone?

46. Bumping Uglies

Who says this? Really weird uncle.

45. Riding The Bologna Pony

Who says this? A slightly older neighbor kid who taught you too much about life.

44. Smushing

Who says this? A guy who compulsively pounds his fists together.

43. Porking

Who says this? A guy who was already eating pork anyway.

42. Poking

Who says this? A virgin who is afraid to look at his own penis.

41. The Horizontal Tango

Who says this? A guy who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned halfway.

40. The Beast With Two Backs

Who says this? NERD

39. Coitus

Who says this? A man who has watched “Weird Science” too many times and believes that he could probably fashion a girlfriend that way if he tried hard enough.

38. Hanky Panky

Who says this? Really weird aunt.

37. Making Love

Who says this? Michael Bolton.

36. Making Babies

Who says this? Someone who owes child support in multiple states.

35. Knocking Boots

Who says this? A riled up folk singer.

34. Doing The Nasty

Who says this? Mrs. Jenkins, from three houses down the street. The one with the big garage sales.

33. Ramming

Who says this? A man who learned everything he knows about sex from watching Discovery Channel nature vids and is super confused about how elephants “do it.”

32. Drilling

Who says this? Someone who eats Funyuns.

31. Nailing

Who says this? A malnourished-looking teen boy skater who does not have any idea what he is talking about but is trying to fit in with his friends, who pity him.

30. Boom Boom

Who says this? Someone trying to get their DJ career to finally take off.

29. Boinking

Who says this? Someone eating a hot dog while talking about sex.

28. Bonking

Who says this? Someone who has pointed to their bedroom and said “This is where the magic happens.”

27. Getting Lucky

Who says this? Frisbee golf champion, and Pharrell.

26. Sexy Time

Who says this? Someone who self identifies as “adorkable.”

25. Sexing/Sexing One Up

Who says this? A middled aged man wearing a metallic shirt sitting at a bar right this second drinking a martini.

24. Rolling In The Hay

Who says this? Frisky folk singer.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

23. Humping

Who says this? Someone who probably says “vajayjay.”

22. Making Whoopee

Who says this? Excitable old timey people time traveling from the past.

21. Laid Down Together

Who says this? Mythical creatures whispering gossip in the forest.

20. Screwing

Who says this? Mimosa guzzling friend who tries to make you feel guilty.

19. Doing The Wild Thing

Who says this? Tone Loc.

18. Popping A Vitamin F

Who says this? Someone who uses Yahoo! Answers.

17. Taking The F Train

Who says this? Actually, no one.

16. Hooking Up

Who says this? College freshmen.

15. Sleeping Together

Who says this? Your married friend asking about your sex life.

14. Going To Pound Town

Who says this? The official mayor of Pound Town.

13. Going To The Boneyard

Who says this? Someone who wears a trench coat.

12. Hitting That

Who says this? The girl in your class who started smoking cigarettes at 13 whom your mom wouldn’t let you hang out with after school.

11. Shagging

Who says this? A British person or an American who even in 2014 can’t stop quoting Austin Powers.

10. Roger/Rogering

Who says this? James Bond, in private, probably.

9. Intercourse

Who says this? A doctor making intense eye contact.

8. Fornicate

Who says this? Your middle school youth pastor.

7. Tapping That

Who says this? Your older brother’s lacrosse friends.

6. Know Someone In The Biblical Sense

Who says this? Your overdramatic friend from book club.

5. Banging

Who says this? Your cool and slightly edgy friend.

4. Doing It

Who says this? 12 year olds.

3. Fucking

Who says this? Someone cutting loose and saying a swear word.

2. Having Sex

Who says this? Most people.

1. Boning/Going To The Bone Zone

Who says this? Frat guys and ladies being ironic.

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