53. The Day Today brought us the news that no one else would touch.
Such as wild animals being used to shut up noisy neighbours.
52. It gave us Brant, the world’s worst political cartoonist.
51. And hospitals treating medieval ailments.
Such as being a witch.
Splendid way to greet a reporter.
47. It cared about the environment.
The world was at her teat.
45. It even used hi-tech graphics to explain how Libya stole Crete under cover of darkness.
44. In fact, in the graphics department, it was unsurpassed.
42. As was music.
We’re unlikely to forget the time we learned that a strangely familiar grunge band was promoting feminine hygeine products.
41. And near-death experiences were portrayed with unerring accuracy.
“Herman the Tosser is not someone who’s invaded my own particular consciousness,” said MP Paul Boetang after being asked about the “blood rap” movement.
38. In fact, the political coverage was as incisive as it gets.
“It’s been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming ‘As long as it’s got a backbone, I’ll do it’.”
“That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.”
“It’s the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow.”
36. Policemen appeared to complain about uniform shortages.
35. While the issue of taking money out of the NHS was dealt with rather more literally.
33. The news was broken that Prince Charles was going into prison.
“He’ll be staying at his mother’s pleasure.”
“You certainly know how to handle this bitch.”
31. There was pioneering undercover journalism.
“A lot of pressure on the Bundersvessel.”
In fact, a decade before anyone else noticed, it realised the world’s financial system was a load of arse.
29. It understood the surreal banality of football results.
“Turn it 180 degrees, Peter. IN MY FAVOUR.”
“It’s not known who conducted the killings.”
“The 60s saw television breaking taboos again and again.”
The appearance of another “blind tube mare” was “like an abattoir in a power cut.”
24. And watched a scintillating interview with Richard Branson.
“Aaaagh aaaagh aaagh.”
“Is this cool?”
“Is *this* cool?”
“Is THIS cool?”
“The history books will have to be rewritten.”
“What will they say?”
“They’ll quite simply say John Major punched the Queen, everything else will be a footnote.”
And how perceptive they were.
“All bodily fluids shown are the ones that actually emerged at the time”.
“What about the horse, how’s he handling?”
“NOT some two bit Punch and Judy show set on the seafront at Margate.”
The show proved so successful that they even took it on the road.
15. It aired visions of an idyllic modern Britain.
13. Every motto was a work of art.
Because fact into doubt won’t go. And fact times importance equals news. That’s why the last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town.
And here are the top 10 best moments in The Day Today…
“In 1977 no one died.”
“In 1978 no one died.”
“In 1979 no one died.”
“In 1980 someone died.”
“In 1981… no one died.”
“Costs are forcing people with sick mouths onto the streets.”
He was a deeply profound man.
4. Peter O’Hanraha-hanrahan scored an exclusive interview with German finance minister.
“You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?”
“So what’s the German for 30 percent?”
“What about that quote you attributed to him, “I don’t like it but I’ll have to go along with it”. In German, how did he say it?”
“Ich nichten lichten…”
“Presumably you mean ‘Ruffen Sie ein taxi bitte; Ich bin spät für ein flug’?”
“No you don’t, Peter, because that means “Get me a taxi; I’m late for my plane”. Now I’m going to ask you a question - did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?”
3. Ted Maul was trackside as feral commuters took over a train stuck in Hampshire for two days.
“In a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god - one of them left the train.”
“PETER, YOU’VE LOST THE NEWS! What are you going to say?
“Look like you mean it! Look down at the floor and say ‘sorry’.”
“Peter, next time you cross the road don’t bother looking.”
“Naturally if the limits were exceeded then this would be met with a very firm line.”
“Mr Hawtrey, he’s knocking a firm line in your direction. What are you going to do about that?”
“Well in that case we’d just reimpose sanctions…”
“Hang on a second, they’ve only just swallowed their sanctions and now they’re just burping them back in up in your face.”
Suddenly the stretched twig of peace is at melting point.
“Do you want me to say the word?”
“Say the word.”
And that was The Day Today.